New Year's
is supposed to be a time where we reinvent ourselves, where we take
all of our mistakes and internalize them so we don't get a chance to
make them again. However as of late it seems like I have been so
guarded against making mistakes that I have shut out the outside
world as a result. It has been a long time since I have posted
anything and for the 5 people that read this I apologize. Things have
been hard for, in such a way that I have had to come to terms with
aspects of my personality that I never really wanted to own up to. So
now I am caught in a place where I feel I am on the brink of
something amazing or terrible hidden behind a respective door 1 and
2, and I cannot tell which door has the answers I seek.
Last year
being my first full year of college I finally accepted that I am an
introvert, and it saddened me greatly. Not that there is anything
wrong with introverts but I always considered myself the opposite.
Due to things like my dancing I was really able to come out of my
shell and interact more with people without worrying about the
impression that I making, but it was all for naught because now I
just feel like I never want to leave my room. I still do all the
things I want to do, but the moment it ends I just want to retreat
back to my own space, because at the end of the day the world scares
me and we are all caught up in our own bubbles anyway. I'm not
clinically depressed or anything (or I might be, who cares) I just
had to own up to myself. So this year will be harder, somehow I am
going to need to learn to be a good person again, to be a good friend
again. I feel like I have been lacking in these departments as of
late because for the most part, I cannot really stand a lot of
people. I love my school and it is full of good people, but many of
those same people never learned how to: shut their mouths, be
considerate to how others feel, or understand that more exists
outside their personal sphere of influence. So as I spend more time
outside I find less and less reason to stay there (outside as in with
others, not just outside in general). I get so sick of people that I
start to doubt myself, maybe there is just something deeply wrong
with me, some state where I just cannot emotionally handle being
around people for too long. Either way I am done dealing with dumb
situations, stupid drama, and he say she say crap. I'm too old to be
dealing with high school situations, I'm just trying to ace my
classes and move on.
Another
thing is that this year there are a lot of artistic projects that I
want to do. I want to write a comic, songs, a better radio show, and
make dances. I decided to stop worrying about how things will tie
into my future in long run and just start living. Holding yourself
back for any reason I think is cowardly, being afraid to take a
chance at living, and it bugs me. Everyone has their reasons for
doing whatever they do, but if you quit playing music because someone
told you it will never make you money I think that is dumb. The world
is full of possibilities to do whatever at any point and giving up a
passion because it may not get you down the path you heard is best is
idiotic. Obviously I am just being the bad guy here and I know that
life does always allow for everything we want, I have just seen a
surprising amount of my generation struggle with something that also
personally applies to me. When the dust settles we should all just
strive to be happy with the person we are, and if you give up a part
of yourself how happy can you be?
There is no
rhyme or reason for this post. I have just come to realize how truly
lonely I am, not that I do not have amazing friends, but the amount
of people I can actually talk to and stand seems to dwindle more and
more each semester. I am almost halfway through college, and I want
to have something to show for it. I want to help people, to inspire
others, to be a voice that people can respect (not trust per say but
respect), and to create a way for people like me to feel like they
are no alone. This is me whining about stuff I know a lot of people
go through, but they would never say it so I will. It is a new year
so it is time to do new things. Live life and appreciate what you
have but always strive for greater. Don't put up with mess you don't
have to because whether you are a social butterfly or shut in you
deserve to be to walk your own way.
I still
don't know why I do this, put my mind on display for all to laugh at
and criticize. I am sure I will come off to few as troubled and a few
more as an arrogant prick, but that's not the point, and if that’s
all you get from this well...sorry. I guess I just...don't care
anymore. About how I come off, how you view me, or how broken you
think I am. I have always been aware that I'm probably a terrible
person at heart, truth be told a lot of us are. The difference is
that I am trying to do that right thing. To be more honest with
people, whether I like them or not, and to be more honest with
myself. 2014 will be more personal make it or break year, after this
I will hopefully have a plan for what comes next. Until then I just
hope I can survive. Welcome back the Star World, you didn't ask for
this, but here it is. Happy New Year.
