Too many

There have been so many reasons to do it...stress, pressure, and loneliness all coming together to spend the night in my head without a proper invitation. Too many times I have told myself that I am not worthy when in reality I have earned everything I've got.

These demons floating in my brain have sickened my mental immune system to a point where I can be officially known as "mentally ill." These monsters become so bold as to stop hiding under my bed and start hiding under my skin, sprinkling all of my positive thoughts with a dash of "you aren't good enough try harder," or "they don't really love you," or "you will end up just like your father"...the list goes on and on until I simply have too many reasons to not get out of bed in the morning.

I claw my way out of the monsters clutches, finding good days in the bad, just to realize that it's not that easy to just "get over it". I spend my time in the company of good people enjoying life and doing what I love but when night falls and I am by myself the too many troupe starts to rear its head and...Well screw it...maybe death is the only true silence to these monsters that have taken it upon themselves to scream in my ear.

But as the blade approaches my wrists and with it the very blood I feel is poisoned by my tormentors I remember my mother. I remember my friends and family and all the episodes of Buffy I have ever watched along with every time my high school friends have made me cry tears of laughter. I remember my first kiss and every kiss after that and how special those people have been to me. I remember every Indulgence dance practice when Rob would do a move in a ridiculous way and we would all mock him for it. I remember when she thanked me for being the only one who saw anything special in her. I remember the first time I showed someone my poetry and they didn't laugh at me. Then the blade gets heavy and all of a sudden my boiling blood starts to calm itself. I remember the reason I have made it thus far and all the love that has kept me afloat.

And then I have too many reasons to keep on fighting. 

The Rising Junior

In high school I remember being told that Junior year was the hardest year by far, I remember getting anxious and almost breaking under the weight of the idea before the year even started. How could a year be harder than social awkwardness, romantic rejection, and being in that spot where you can kind of dance but still don’t have anything worthwhile to show? By some miracle I made it through and now 3 years later I stand faced with the same problem. Coming off the most difficult semester of my life I cannot possibly imagine what Junior year has in store for me.

At the beginning of Sophomore year I told my mom that this would be the year that makes me or breaks me, I have no idea why I thought that, but I could feel it in my bones. I needed to stake my claim in the world, to solidify what I wanted to do in life, and to stop questioning every move I make. I wanted to be a dancer, to actually be a dancer. She wants me to go to graduate school and get my PhD in Psychology. I vowed to do both because I have always been a good son and a good student. I thought this would be the year that convinced me I could only do one but I was wrong. These two paths of academia and expression do not diverge as much as our career-driven society would make you think. There is no rule book saying that we can only be good at one thing, that we have to find a profession and then do nothing but that profession for the rest of our lives. Sure that works for some but as humans we should never be satisfied with ourselves until we are at the peak of what we can do.

I've made it no secret about the things I have gone through or felt this semester; it got to the point where both of my parents asked if I would be happier transferring home and I honestly considered it. The reason I didn't is simply because I am stubborn and do not want to leave behind the people I have grown fond of at my school. They have made any depression, dark moments, etc. bearable for me and I is because of them that I know I can make it. Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) once said in an interview “Well yea I’m sad, of course I am. But I don’t think my sadness is any worse than anyone elses. I am just not afraid to say the kind of stuff we are all thinking.” I always want to be able to be real with myself and the people crazy enough to listen to me or read this blog. I wanted to give up this semester, to pack it in and come home to the golden state where everything made more sense, but I have work to do. I have dreams to aspire to and it was in my lowest of points that I was reminded why I wanted to leave in the first place. I needed to be able to make it through all this funk, otherwise I would always just give up when life reared its head. In reality that is probably a terrible reason why but I stuck it out because everyone else did. We all go through our own hells and if my friends and family can stay strong through theirs, then I cannot back down just yet.

This Year I took a variety of classes that allowed me to learn from the past and connect to my future in new and interesting ways. From my Blues class to Advice and Dissent to My Dance Improv and Dance Therapy classes to my Psych courses I have learned so much value information and little ways to improve myself. I have always valued education for educations sake and now I am proud that I have found new ways to apply my knowledge in my actual life. It was also this semester that through the dance program at UR I had the crazy idea to throw myself into modern dance. I no longer want to just be a hip-hop dancer, I do not want to constrain myself from learning new ways to move. So I stepped out of my comfort zone. I performed an amazing chair dance in front seasoned dance veterans at the ACDFA gathering over spring break, I was part of a dance thesis concerning rape and the importance of non-verbal communication and expression, and I finally got over my fear of the women in the dance program long enough to meet some great new people.

I want to start a dance company, I want to write a comic book, I want to be a voice for others and help people. Even when I am home my mind races with the possibilities and opportunities for me to create, express, and inspire. So that’s where my life is right now. I made it through hardest semester of my life and I want to act like it. To prove I learned something, to stop myself from getting that overwhelmed again. I want to balance love and work so that I never neglect either. I am a dancing writer who wants to study the mind and help others find their way. Sounds kind of complex doesn't it?

Just another day in the Star World.