About
two weeks ago I deactivated my Facebook for 5 days and thought about
the value of my life. During the course of these five days I had
minimal contact with people that I got used to talking to everyday.
Conversations that would often distract me from my depression were no
longer there, and it felt like I was completely alone. Despite still
having a way to contact people, despite still showing up to classes,
and despite knowing that I could come back to Facebook at anytime,
breaking that immediate connection made me feel isolated. This is not
a post about the dangers of relying on social media or the addictive
nature of the internet, this is just a simple reflection on my
experience. Somehow that isolation made me feel like I have been able
to find some sort of happiness that has been missing this entire
school year.
People
often view depression as a line in the sand rather than an
ever-balancing scale. To those without depression, imagine this: you
have a voice in your head constantly telling you negative things
about yourself, convincing you that you are worth less than you
actually are. Simple enough yes? Now add this to the equation, the
voice is feeding you negative lies, and people who try to help you
but don't understand depression often just react by assuming the
voice is telling you to commit suicide. Suicide. Suicide is such a
weighted term in our age. It can mean anything from sadness to
desperation to freedom all in the same breath, and yet people treat
it as though it is always the end result of depression. As if those
who are depressed will only ever be “okay” or in a state where
they want to kill themselves, completely ignoring the in betweens
that happen on a daily basis. I am no expert on depression, I just go
through it. I am no expert on suicide either, but I have had those
thoughts too. It does not change the fact that I am still a fully
functional human being who deserves to be treated as such.It is
socially acceptable to treat people with mental illnesses like they
are ticking time bombs that need to be defused, ignoring all of that
person's autonomy and agency. It is as if we have become a sub-group
of people that either need to be changed 100% until we are normal or
put in a box because we are perceived as a constant threat to
ourselves. I believe there is a much bigger percentage of people in
this country, and in this world, that battle depression. Yet it is
considered a sign of weakness to admit it so a lot of people will
keep it under wraps. The reality is that life is hard, and I refuse
to believe with all the people out there questioning their life goals
and trying to find their place in the world that depression does not
fit more into that equation. In fact I would go on a limb and say the
capacity for depression is built into our DNA, as it is just the
byproduct of having the ability to think about our words and actions.
Depression is a side effect of being conscious.
So
at the end of my hiatus from Facebook I only really had one thing on
my mind: I wanted to live. It has been tough for me since my
grandma's passing in November, and I am not proud to admit that I
have been losing control of my sanity slowly over last couple of
months. Making a mess of friendships, compromising my grades, and
even being a sub-par leader to my dance team. It would go up and down
but it always felt like a losing battle. And this is Where Kehlani
comes in. For those of you who do not know, Kehlani is an amazing R&B
singer/dancer from Oakland (Basically my backyard) California. She
has an amazing story of surviving a terrible childhood and dangerous
teenage years just to get to a place where should could make music
and learn to love people again. So I look up to here in a lot of
ways. Earlier this week however she tried to commit suicide, and it
broke my heart. I have never met this person, but I have felt her
pain through her music, and I feel like she and I are a part of some
secret twisted club that we never asked to be let into. So it hurt,
it hurt seeing the picture of her in the hospital, it hurt to read
her post that just as easily been my explanation after a suicide
attempt, and most of all it hurt to see that people were treating
this as PR stunt and not addressing the issue. When people of high enough caliber try or succeed at suicide, the conversation always
stirs toward what was happening in their lives in recent months or
days that could have caused this “rash” decision. Kehlani’s
case was no exception. Within minutes rumors were flying out that she
was just doing this out of guilt when that really should not be the
focal point of the story. Recently she had been given a bunch of
flack for a situation involving her and some dudes in the music and
sports world, and people were quick to jump at that being the reason
she would commit such an “unthinkable” act. But they don’t ever
dig deeper. What they don't talk about is that these people have been
fighting a war in their own minds for years, with no reinforcements
or aid from anyone but themselves. In most cases suicide is not a
spur of the moment decision, it is the compilation of years worth of
pain and personal torment because not enough people are taught to
take your illness seriously.
So
with Kehlani in the news I started to think once again about my own
life and what kind of person I want to be. I ask myself that question
every week and always seem to get some kind of different answer.
However this time my answer felt different, it was still the same
generic “I want to make a difference” motto that I tell myself
when I need a pick me up, but this time it hit my ears differently.
If Kehlani died it would be a waste of love and talent, and just
another nail in the coffin of mental illness stigma, but she is
alive. I am alive. I actually have a chance to do something about
this illness I have such a love hate relationship with. This
depression has given me so much to write about, provided a lens that
helps me see other people's struggles and empathize, and it has
motivated me to want to do better. Depression is the hardest thing I
have ever had to come to terms with, admitting that there are days
where I am not strong enough to get out of bed or even summon my will
to live. Yet this is why I need to keep marching forward. I want to
live long enough to meet Kehlani and tell her that we can make this
right, to meet the next Kehlani and tell her the same thing, and I
want to mean it when I say it.
I
helped put together an amazing dance show this weekend, I am
performing multiple songs and poems at an open mic this friday, and I
am going to demolish the rest of this semester academically. We are
never taught to be our biggest fans. Self esteem is bad for marketing
so we are slowly taught not to believe in ourselves. Some people are
better at managing that than others, but until recently I had no
faith in anything I did. Spending 5 days by yourself really teaches
you a lot about what you cannot stand about who you are. So I had put
a halt on the self-deprecation and pity because without my
connections on Facebook encouraging me I had to listen to me putting
myself down for days. Eventually I just grew tired of that. I deserve
a shot at a long life, just like any other decent person does, and I
deserve to be treated like a person when I get depressed or suicidal.
I have my own thoughts and actions, so the stigmas the surround me
need to find some other place to set up shop. You will not be okay
every day. There will be days when it hurts to be alive and not
existing seems like the more favorable outcome. Those days are not
you. They are not the smiles that you produce or the memories you
make. They are not the fire that drives you to be what you want to
be. They are not the love you get from friends and family, and they
are not the love you should give yourself. We are not at the mercy of
whatever the negative voices tell us. We are not the burden society
would like to treat us as. We belong in the same category as some of
the most brilliant people throughout our history. We have survived
people throwing us in asylums, trying to exorcise us, or just plain
being ignored because people were too scared of seeing their own
depression in us. We do belong in a secret twisted club, but that
club is ours and we own it, it does not own us. To anyone fighting
depression I say keep swinging, we are stronger than our lowest days
and keep believing that until it is embedded in your bones. Life
itself is just an existence, you are the one who makes it worth
living, never forget that.
My
Name is Ezekiel Starling, there are days when I have wanted to die
and days where I want to live. Today I want to live, and that is all
that matters.
