Words In Frame, 6/24

“Do you see anything?” Mikey’s soft voice broke the silence.

“Nah, nothing yet, they must be waiting for us to strike first.” Ian stated as he came down from a well-placed rock.

“Hmm…well should we do it or should we wait?”

“I think we should wait a bit longer”

The two brothers were in the middle of a pivotal battle. The Lizardmen had just invaded their home and were currently taking over their field in the McShire Kingdom. They had done a good job thus far of warding off the enemy but their rations were running low and they were running out of cool ways to take out the Lizardmen.

“Mikey quick, pass me Ragnarok!”

Mikey frantically searched the ground for Ian’s trusty sword before finding it hidden in the tall grass behind them. He tossed it to Ian with before quickly rolling out of the way of enemy fire. They had shown their hand, and the next wave was approaching.

“Party time!” Ian shouted as he jumped from his rock headfirst into the fray.

“Save some for me!” Mikey rushed in after Ian, refusing to be left behind.

The two boys were fighting not just for themselves, but for their lands. They were protecting something that was bigger than them, something that was bigger than the Lizardmen too. No force could stop them. The boys wove in and out of the enemy forces delivering swift strikes and dishing out flourishes of karate moves that they had seen in a movie the night before mixed with random chants they made up with on the spot. Before they knew it they were surrounded. There was nowhere to run and almost no way to escape. In this very moment of desperation a breeze kicked in and a lone cloud cast a shadow over where they are standing. Ian lit up.

“Mikey get down, I’m gonna finish em off!” Ian warned his brother as he thrust Ragnarok into the sky.

At this moment the wind blew even harder and Ian made the grand gesture of slamming his sword into the ground, summoning lightning from the cloud above them and directing it toward their foes. There was a huge boom as the white bolt struck the earth and caused a massive explosion. When the dust settled all of the Lizardmen around them had fallen and the boys felt their victory had been secured.

“Wait…do you hear that?” Mikey uttered cautiously as he looked around.

“What do they sound like” Ian turned to cover Mikey’s blind spots.

“Like…footsteps…”

Seemingly out of nowhere another Lizardman appeared. This one was much larger than the rest and wielded two large axes. He was snarling with rage and had a bloodthirsty look in his eye. The two brothers, both exhausted from battled, turned toward each other.

“One last one?” Mikey inquired.

“Yeah, one more”

The two charged forward with as much force as they could, Mikey went for the legs as Ian aimed to damage the beast’s head. However it was much quicker than the rest. It must have been their commander. It dodged with their attacks with a violent beauty before fighting back. It went after Mikey, sensing he was the weaker foe, and, right before the blow struck, Ian rushed in to push him out of the way. It seemed to happen in slow motion, Ian taking a critical blow right before his brother’s eyes, while Mikey watched helplessly.

“Mikey, take my sword, finish the job!” Ian tossed his sword toward his companion before falling limp on the ground. In his final moment he had entrusted his sword to Mikey, there was no longer any room for fear or regret.

Mikey looked at the beast with his new sword in hand. It was funny, he had never fought with Ragnarok before but it somehow felt familiar. He took a stance to prepare for battle, some odd combination of Ian’s stance and his own. He was ready. The creature lunged at him and swung with full force. Mikey waited for the right moment before weaving in between the two axes to slice at the monsters heels. Take out the legs, just like he had practiced. As the monster feel to its knees Mikey lept into the air and came down with his sword with no more inhibition. After the strike there was nothing but silence. After the silence the beast lay lifeless on the ground with it’s head 6 feet away from its body. Mikey quickly ran over to his brother to make sure he was okay, extending a hand to help him up.

“Thanks man” Ian still seemed a bit worn down as he got back to his feet.

“McShire lives to see another day” Mikey boasted proudly. He had never gotten to finish the boss and this was his moment.

“For honor and valor?” Ian was reciting the code of McShire, which the two of them swore an oath to always uphold.

“For honor and valor”.

The sun was starting to set as the two boys made their way off the battle field. They walked in the direction of their mother calling and the smell of fresh catfish being prepared for dinner.

Words in Frame, 6/17

Suspended in air, clutching onto the metal bar of his glider, he suddenly wondered if he had taken out the chicken to thaw. Granted this was a bit of a random thought, but he had to find some way to tether himself to the world whilst flying above it. Flying felt more foreign than he remembered and he was still looking for a new anchor.

Nate had started hang gliding a few years ago at the recommendation of a past girlfriend. Heights had always made him uneasy but he was in love with her so he was willing to try anything. They had set out on this foggy morning, as most days in San Francisco turn out to be, and took their place atop one of the many hills in the area.

“Um…are you sure about this?” Nate asked her in a sincere yet worried tone.

She giggled before responding, “I am about as sure as I can be. Having second thoughts now?”

He was gripping the control bar of his rented glider so tight he could no longer feel his hands. Even if he wanted to back out there was no stopping at this point. So he just smiled at her and shook his head. One way or another he wanted to follow this girl to the ends of the Earth.

So he swallowed his fear and jumped.

Immediately it felt the worst decision he had ever made. The wind was rushing around him as it felt like he was plummeting toward the fog and into the unknown. He couldn’t focus on anything except the feeling of fear that had consumed every inch of his body. Was love really worth all this anxiety? Could this glider actually support him? Why couldn’t he find someone who was just into that stupid cat app like the rest of his friends?

Then the wind caught up with him and changed his world. No longer was he speeding toward a certain death but rather gliding across the very sky that most people never even notice anymore. In that moment, he felt a sense of liberation he thought was impossible. He took the time to look at his surroundings, his first time doing so since he left solid ground, and spotted the tip of the Golden Gate Bridge through the fog. It was so protected by fog that it looked like the highest tower in a fortress; important enough to stand taller than anything else but fragile enough to need the fog as a shroud. He a saw a side to his city he had never seen before, a quiet calm in the otherwise ever lively city. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her, illuminated by the sun like a golden phoenix. She was a natural of course, treating the airways as her playground. There were no rules up here, no chains to hold her back, and no fear to anchor her to the earth.

When they landed he told her he understood why she loved this so much, to which she replied: “No you don’t, and you can’t possibly understand. Each person flies their own way and for their own reasons, so you don’t need to understand why another person does it. You just need to do it for you.”

He looked at her quizzically, not really knowing what to say in the moment. But she leaned against him on the hill as they both sat in the silence and let the breeze wash over them. They had conquered the sky and felt like they owned the world. The Bridge was their kingdom and the fog blocked out all of life’s stresses for a brief moment. They would continue to glide thorough the sky together. When he was in his kingdom he never wanted to come down.

Even when she crashed.

Even when he held her hand on the hospital stretcher, trying to give her all the energy he hadn’t already lost worrying over her. When the doctor came with bad news all he wanted was to be back in the sky. The funeral was held outdoors out of respect for her passion, and he never took his eyes off the foggy sky. He could see the remnants of their old kingdom, now without a king and queen to rule to skies around it. Even a year after his wings had been clipped, he could think of nothing but the peace in the clouds they once shared.

So as he stood upon their hill, preparing to fly alone for the first time ever, he could not help but tear up as he came upon the same hidden view of the bridge he had so longed for. The bridge they shared together. The sky they dedicated to each other. The wind that cleansed him of his fears greeted him like an old companion.

Suddenly a frozen chicken was nowhere on his mind, as he rushed back to claim his forgotten throne

Words in Frame, 6/9

“Get a house in the hills they said, it’s super peaceful they said. God It’s like living in a cemetery”.  

Natalie sighed as she looked out the window. The green trees were a part of a club that the brown grass was apparently excluded from, further signs that the California drought was in full swing. She turned her attention to the lone road that leads to her reclusive cul-de-sac, expecting to see something other than the same 10 cars go back and forth between their own bubbles and the rest of the world.

It was technically summer but ever since she finished grad school all the days seemed to bleed together. She had plans to go out and move to the city and start interning and some big fancy law firm, but her social anxiety put a solid road block in front that dream. She had tried it for a bit, the city that is, but the constant influx of sensory information proved too much for her.

She felt like a failure.

Bored with the window she walked over to her kitchen to make tea. Scattered on the countertop were get-well cards and heartfelt notes sent to a then recovering Natalie, curled on the floor of her apartment after being torn down by the place she tried to call home. She got some water going in her electric kettle and spent too much time getting caught up in the past. New York was never home, she tried to force herself out of her comfort zone and it blew up in her face.

In the midst of her reflection, her phone rang. It was her mom.

“Hi mom, yes I’m still alive”. Natalie answered with her signature sarcasm.

“Haha, very funny Nat. I just called to see how you are doing.” Her mom had, of course, spent years building up a resistance to her daughters attitude.

“I’m doing fine I guess. Everything here just stays the same, so at the very least there isn’t much chance for me to get worse.”

“Honey, you need to take this seriously. You got a job, you have a house, and more importantly you have your life. Have you even been going to therapy?”

Natalie’s mom always had a habit of jumping straight to the point, it was the thing that Natalie admired most about her.

“Yes mom, I go every week. I take these dumb pills and eat these damn fruits and hold hands with my neighbors to pray the darkness away.” She was being a bit harsh but this was the first interaction Natalie had had with a real person all week.

“Oh come on you know I am not trying to micro-manage your life, can you please just be honest with me?”

Natalie gave her what she asked for.

“I feel like I failed mom, I talked all that talk just to end up exactly where I started. My friends are all starting their lives and it feels like I am just stuck in some timeless dome waiting for everything to pass me by. It sucks. I want to be better, I want to leave, I want…I want to be proud of myself again.”

There was a silence before her mom answered. “Nat, you chose to come back all on your own. You chose to take time and look after yourself rather than bash your head against the same wall for the rest of your life. Maybe things seem stagnant now, but it's not like your life is over. You fell down, and sooner or later you will get back up."

Natalie knew her mom was right, but it was hard to remember something so obvious when all you have around you are obscured bits and pieces of recovery.

“I know you are right mom, and I promise I am working on it…I would just appreciate if we could just act like things were normal for once”

“Nat, you're overthinking your whole life and I am just trying to help you in anyway I can. Things have never been more normal for us."

They both chuckled. It felt good to laugh, felt good to feel some sense of connection in isolated house in the barren hills. She sat at the counter for another hour, just happy to have a reason to laugh.

Later that night she heard that California should be out of its drought soon. If the whole state could find some sense of rejuvenation after such a dire crisis, maybe she could too.

 

End.

Spring Cleaning: Kehlani and Stigma

     About two weeks ago I deactivated my Facebook for 5 days and thought about the value of my life. During the course of these five days I had minimal contact with people that I got used to talking to everyday. Conversations that would often distract me from my depression were no longer there, and it felt like I was completely alone. Despite still having a way to contact people, despite still showing up to classes, and despite knowing that I could come back to Facebook at anytime, breaking that immediate connection made me feel isolated. This is not a post about the dangers of relying on social media or the addictive nature of the internet, this is just a simple reflection on my experience. Somehow that isolation made me feel like I have been able to find some sort of happiness that has been missing this entire school year.

     People often view depression as a line in the sand rather than an ever-balancing scale. To those without depression, imagine this: you have a voice in your head constantly telling you negative things about yourself, convincing you that you are worth less than you actually are. Simple enough yes? Now add this to the equation, the voice is feeding you negative lies, and people who try to help you but don't understand depression often just react by assuming the voice is telling you to commit suicide. Suicide. Suicide is such a weighted term in our age. It can mean anything from sadness to desperation to freedom all in the same breath, and yet people treat it as though it is always the end result of depression. As if those who are depressed will only ever be “okay” or in a state where they want to kill themselves, completely ignoring the in betweens that happen on a daily basis. I am no expert on depression, I just go through it. I am no expert on suicide either, but I have had those thoughts too. It does not change the fact that I am still a fully functional human being who deserves to be treated as such.It is socially acceptable to treat people with mental illnesses like they are ticking time bombs that need to be defused, ignoring all of that person's autonomy and agency. It is as if we have become a sub-group of people that either need to be changed 100% until we are normal or put in a box because we are perceived as a constant threat to ourselves. I believe there is a much bigger percentage of people in this country, and in this world, that battle depression. Yet it is considered a sign of weakness to admit it so a lot of people will keep it under wraps. The reality is that life is hard, and I refuse to believe with all the people out there questioning their life goals and trying to find their place in the world that depression does not fit more into that equation. In fact I would go on a limb and say the capacity for depression is built into our DNA, as it is just the byproduct of having the ability to think about our words and actions. Depression is a side effect of being conscious.

     So at the end of my hiatus from Facebook I only really had one thing on my mind: I wanted to live. It has been tough for me since my grandma's passing in November, and I am not proud to admit that I have been losing control of my sanity slowly over last couple of months. Making a mess of friendships, compromising my grades, and even being a sub-par leader to my dance team. It would go up and down but it always felt like a losing battle. And this is Where Kehlani comes in. For those of you who do not know, Kehlani is an amazing R&B singer/dancer from Oakland (Basically my backyard) California. She has an amazing story of surviving a terrible childhood and dangerous teenage years just to get to a place where should could make music and learn to love people again. So I look up to here in a lot of ways. Earlier this week however she tried to commit suicide, and it broke my heart. I have never met this person, but I have felt her pain through her music, and I feel like she and I are a part of some secret twisted club that we never asked to be let into. So it hurt, it hurt seeing the picture of her in the hospital, it hurt to read her post that just as easily been my explanation after a suicide attempt, and most of all it hurt to see that people were treating this as PR stunt and not addressing the issue. When people of high enough caliber try or succeed at suicide, the conversation always stirs toward what was happening in their lives in recent months or days that could have caused this “rash” decision. Kehlani’s case was no exception. Within minutes rumors were flying out that she was just doing this out of guilt when that really should not be the focal point of the story. Recently she had been given a bunch of flack for a situation involving her and some dudes in the music and sports world, and people were quick to jump at that being the reason she would commit such an “unthinkable” act. But they don’t ever dig deeper. What they don't talk about is that these people have been fighting a war in their own minds for years, with no reinforcements or aid from anyone but themselves. In most cases suicide is not a spur of the moment decision, it is the compilation of years worth of pain and personal torment because not enough people are taught to take your illness seriously.

     So with Kehlani in the news I started to think once again about my own life and what kind of person I want to be. I ask myself that question every week and always seem to get some kind of different answer. However this time my answer felt different, it was still the same generic “I want to make a difference” motto that I tell myself when I need a pick me up, but this time it hit my ears differently. If Kehlani died it would be a waste of love and talent, and just another nail in the coffin of mental illness stigma, but she is alive. I am alive. I actually have a chance to do something about this illness I have such a love hate relationship with. This depression has given me so much to write about, provided a lens that helps me see other people's struggles and empathize, and it has motivated me to want to do better. Depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with, admitting that there are days where I am not strong enough to get out of bed or even summon my will to live. Yet this is why I need to keep marching forward. I want to live long enough to meet Kehlani and tell her that we can make this right, to meet the next Kehlani and tell her the same thing, and I want to mean it when I say it.

     I helped put together an amazing dance show this weekend, I am performing multiple songs and poems at an open mic this friday, and I am going to demolish the rest of this semester academically. We are never taught to be our biggest fans. Self esteem is bad for marketing so we are slowly taught not to believe in ourselves. Some people are better at managing that than others, but until recently I had no faith in anything I did. Spending 5 days by yourself really teaches you a lot about what you cannot stand about who you are. So I had put a halt on the self-deprecation and pity because without my connections on Facebook encouraging me I had to listen to me putting myself down for days. Eventually I just grew tired of that. I deserve a shot at a long life, just like any other decent person does, and I deserve to be treated like a person when I get depressed or suicidal. I have my own thoughts and actions, so the stigmas the surround me need to find some other place to set up shop. You will not be okay every day. There will be days when it hurts to be alive and not existing seems like the more favorable outcome. Those days are not you. They are not the smiles that you produce or the memories you make. They are not the fire that drives you to be what you want to be. They are not the love you get from friends and family, and they are not the love you should give yourself. We are not at the mercy of whatever the negative voices tell us. We are not the burden society would like to treat us as. We belong in the same category as some of the most brilliant people throughout our history. We have survived people throwing us in asylums, trying to exorcise us, or just plain being ignored because people were too scared of seeing their own depression in us. We do belong in a secret twisted club, but that club is ours and we own it, it does not own us. To anyone fighting depression I say keep swinging, we are stronger than our lowest days and keep believing that until it is embedded in your bones. Life itself is just an existence, you are the one who makes it worth living, never forget that.

     My Name is Ezekiel Starling, there are days when I have wanted to die and days where I want to live. Today I want to live, and that is all that matters.

If Trump Wins

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like diving deep into talk of politics. It is not that I don't understand what is going on in the circus event being called a presidential race right now, but rather it find it physically uncomfortable to look at politics piling into this clown car and driving us toward a cliff. I try to focus on my Arts, with the idea of “being a good role model” always in the back of my mind. I was raised on Saturday morning cartoons, an emphasis on getting a proper education, and a healthy high moral fiber diet. So when I see someone like Trump, whose personality I can only really compare to one of the many cartoon villains I used to see on weekend mornings, it goes against everything I know and threatens the America I am trying so hard to survive in.

First things first I think Donald Trump is the worst kind of person. Short of someone who would willingly murder innocent people just for the joy of doing it, Trump is the epitome of everything I am afraid of in people. He is an arrogant, racist bigot who is rich enough to say or do anything he pleases. All the while those against him just write him off as an empty threat, and those who support him have more faith in him than Democrats do in their choices. He has profited off of his villainous persona, and has now become a beacon of hope for those who wish to “Make America Great Again”, an ideal that I can only assume stems from the same line of thinking as the three-fifths compromise and Japanese internment camps during WWII. Our country has a hateful history, founded on the same imperialist tactics of fear and brainwashing that Trump is doing using to take his lead in the polls. This is not new, and this is not the first time it has come up in politics, so why should we care now? Well the reason we should care now is that I never, and I do mean NEVER, thought I would have to look on my computer screen and see an actual presidential candidate put forth a plan to banish certain minorities from this country and be taken seriously. Never did I think having an openly racist tyrant for president would be a possibility. Yet here we are. In 2016, with the internet laughing at memes of little white children crying over joy with their love of Trump as I ready myself for the end of the world.

To those who think I am being dramatic, let me pose this question for you. If you were in school and had a teacher in one of your core classes (that being a class you are required to take) that just hated you, and I mean wanted you out of their class for no real reason, how would you feel? Would you feel confident handing in work? Would you feel good about being their student, or even going to class? This person has control over your grades and has it out for you, and as a student there is nothing you can do because they have the power and you don't. Now apply this to America. You are a young Black male, which already makes you a target in a lot of ways, and the leader of the country you live in hates you. How does that make you feel? Not only that, but he hates your Mexican and Muslim friends, and you have to watch as this man looks the world in the eye on TV and claims that he is doing his best to serve the country. This is not the shady under-the-table political campaign we are used to seeing, where dirt about politics slowly leak from the drain over the years until all the muck is just out in the open, rather this is a candidate so covered in filth I find it hard to believe that anyone believes he is real. This is more than just a fight for ratings in the media and a funny spin on a debate story, this is the future of the free world. This the man kids will be seeing as the definition of power and control for the next 4 years, this is someone who is supposed to set an example but would much rather drag us down back down to the Jim Crow South.

Hidden in his toupee and smirk countenance I see the worst possible outcome for our country, and the margins aren't even close. The political system is built off of less than stellar moral practices and supported by old money and old ideology, but even so it is our system. Any educated person in America has some idea that our system isn't perfect, but it is still our system. Like your little sister who just vomited on your new shirt in the middle of Target, she is annoying but she is your sister. However if Trump gets elected I fear we will be passing a point of no return. Maybe it is the natural paranoia in my blood that comes from being an oppressed minority, but America is on the verge of some kind of change. In the past year we have seen a revolution pop up, and as those who fear change scrambled to find ways to fight this movement, Trump floats down from his Zepplin and assures them that he can fight this new found activism. He holds the dreams of everyone who is afraid of change, and those dreams are loud and powerful. They are strong enough to propel him through this race and, if not stopped, get him into the oval office. There have been too many posts about how his win is inevitable, how if Bernie Sanders doesn't win the nomination there is no hope. I am not here to champion any candidate, rather I am here to point out the wrong one. Trump is more than a menace, he is an active threat to my culture and my country. Policies and irrationality aside anyone who can stand on a podium and claim to be against the pursuit of a better better life (which America was founded on shockingly enough) is not deserving of anything except a cane dragging him off stage. I won't go as far as to say that anyone voting for Trump is a bad person, but if you are willing to endorse this man, I think that says something about your personality and how much hate you just may be harboring inside of you.

As a minority, the idea of Trump being our next president terrifies me. As a person, his very position and existence is just a bit of a mystery to me. I want him gone, wiped from all of our memories and replaced with a more believable persona. I want to believe in the the people of this country; that despite the questionable history there is still enough common decency to stop this from becoming a worst election then when Ulysses s Grant was elected in 1869. I would like to think we have progressed in these 147 years but who knows. If you have any kind of common sense or decency then you won't vote for Trump. But this is not meant for you, this is meant for those on the fence about how terrible he really is. I am talking about more than just the make Donald Drumpf again, or the multitude of photoshops that result from all the ridiculous things he does on a seemingly daily basis. This is for those who do not think of him in terms of what he is really is: a channel of fear and oppression. This is a reminder of what they are trying to do, and an even bigger reminder that we have to power to shape this country into something that is actually great. Something fueled by the progressive ideals of those who fight for equality, without the input of the old guard whose only real goal is to bring us down in order to hold onto power. We are the future, and we cannot let Trump be apart of that future.

Thoughts On: The Life Of Pablo

Welcome back to the annual segment of my blog known as “Thoughts On”. In the midst of the Grammy tomfoolery and my continued disappointment with the masses definition of a good album, I decided that it was time to talk about something before you tired of hearing about it. The “It” in this situation of course being “The Life Of Pablo” by none other than Kanye West. After months of him changing titles, morphing track lists, and countless Twitter posts from people in the industry claiming this album was the greatest album to ever grace music, it finally dropped. So what does this Titan of the music industry have to say with his latest   release?

So who is Kanye West? Well at this point if you don't know who Kanye is then you should receive some kind of award. This 39 year-old producer and rapper shook the game up when he helped to produce the 2001 classic “The Blueprint” for fellow rap megastar Jay-Z, however his real break came when he released his solo album “College Dropout” in 2004. This story driven was filled with humor, bars that did not revolve around the gangsta rap tropes of the time, and most importantly contained some of the smoothest soulful production on a rap album ever. This was so groundbreaking it shot Kanye into the limelight as the “alternative rapper”, and more than a decade and 6 critically acclaimed albums later, he has delivered TLOP for us to enjoy. Kanye is more than just a popular icon, at this point he is one of the most important figures who have ever been involved in Hip-Hop culture. Single-handedly changing trends and paving the way for artists of similar tastes to make it big. Some of my favorite rappers would not exist without Kanye (Gambino, Lupe, Logic), or at the very least their own paths to success may have taken a much longer time. So needless to say, each Kanye album is an event, and how he chooses to construct these events may lead to another big change in the sound of Hip-Hop culture.

So what does this album have to compete with? Usually this is not such a big issue, but taking into account all of his albums are huge critical successes, his backlog needs to be taken into consideration. Kanye has gone through many styles over the years, so I was curious as to what the final product of his latest album would sound like, luckily for me Kanye took a step in the abstract direction and decided make an album akin to a stream of consciousness. Tracks connect and flow out of each other tight enough to make a solid project, but loose enough to let people play around and make their own track list, thus making the album more personal in some ways. Things about the release of this album seemed sloppy, everything from the constant change to the albums cover (which I despise) just seemed odd and disconnected. I was worried that maybe Kanye finally lost it. Well it turns out he did in the best of ways. Thematically Kanye always has some sort of overall point that he is trying to say with his music. With the Graduation Trilogy (College Dropout, Late Registration, and Graduation), the point was to express Kanye's rise to stardom without needing conventional tools of success via College or traditional Jobs. By the end of the series he had accepted his place in rap and wraps up the idea with a nice bow. After this he moves into the more dramatic and singing based album “808's and Heartbreak” which was a complete shift in sound and a mega hit in the music world. From then on it was “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” which was his best work, combining the production elements of just about every producer out there who matters and giving us a landmark album that dealt with themes of sin and power. Then with “Yeezus” he proclaimed himself to be against music, and the album represented that with industrial influence and its portrayal of Kanye as a God. It was the culmination of how Kanye felt during the height of his power and it was a stark contrast to “Early Kanye”. Yet despite all his past work, TLOP stands out to me as the most Kanye album that Kanye has ever made.

So all that in mind, We get to hear the opening track, 'Ultralight Beam', and it is something we have never heard from Kanye before. It is the unfiltered Gospel influence that he has always shown he has, but more concentrated and fused with the love of autotune that he found later in his career. Drums kick in every couple of beats to make the instrumental feel sparse as an actual choir rings out with the call of the song's namesake and Kanye interjects with sung verses before a female vocalist comes in and brings the house down. The song features Chance The Rapper and Kirk Franklin, and more so than anything else, feels the most spiritual that Kanye has dared to be in years. Post “Yeezus” Kanye has seemed to be stuck in the position of being the crazy rapper, the one is expected to go out and be weird for the sake of being weird. And while I am sure Kanye embraced this, being put in a box was never his style. No matter what people say, there is always expectations of musical artists to be some kind of way. It doesn't matter how much you love Lady Gaga, if she picked up a mic, started rapping, and promised never to sing again, I can guarantee she would lose a lot of her fanbase. This is where Kanye has a bit of an advantage, since he is far past the stage where being labeled actually means anything to him. His production and features of late have all been geared toward the big sound banger movement that is currently most popular in mainstream rap songs, and he is good at making these songs. One could almost fear that his own project would reflect this, but instead he found a way to shift the mainstream sound to fit his own Kanye style.

In 'Famous' the tone shifts back to the bold bragging Kanye that we all love and hate, but with the added elements of the dark production that make this song hit hard as nails. He even has Rihanna on the hook, which is ANOTHER trend that his been happening in rap music (See Drake and Eminem) and twists that to suit his taste as well. Usually the hook that is sung in the traditional “Popular female singer on the chorus” type song is catchy and memorable, so much so that it kind of overpowers the rest of the lyrical content of the song (Love the way you lie and What's my name), but here it is just another instrument in Kanye's arsenal. One thing that will never cease to amaze me about Kanye is his ear for music and production. So far he has managed to create an album that praises God while still retaining the sinful human elements of Kanye's personality and past. It moves back and forth, through angelic chords to devilish drums and beats to create this reflection of what I can only assume is the inside of Kanye's mind.

In 'Highlights' we get Kanye's take on what would otherwise be a typical Young Thug type song, with sing song rapping fused with braggadocious rhymes about his sex life, but out of nowhere it morphs into something much more beautiful. While the beat shifts from a straight boom-bap beat to a jazzy chords, back to the boom-bap, then to synth based chords, Kanye talks about his son and the kind of song he wants him to have. The very human Kanye uses the theme of highlights to just emphasis his joy for being alive, and this is something that we have not heard in what seems like forever, a happy Kanye. A few tracks after this we get 'Waves', which feels like the melodic fulfillment of that same Kanye. With bright chords rising in the back ground in a futuristic, combined with Chris Brown's perfectly utilized voice, it is the kind of song you can just sway to. Apparently this song was arranged by Chance, which just shows the kind of effect that Kanye can have on fellow artists if it leads to songs like this. Through this part of the album the Godly theme is not stated per say, but it is felt through the music. Kanye has never let himself be this free when it comes to his music and it certainly feels different. From how melodies just keep going or the lack of actually back to back rap bars, this album just feels different. For a man who has done just about everything, what left is there to conquer? I think Kanye found the answer in the form of challenging himself to be more of himself. So not only is the production top notch, but everything he says (from the vulgar to the profane) feel more true than ever before.

'Real Friends' is a kind of a heart breaker. Starting off somber musically, this song is about West's broken relationship with his own family, created mostly by his own fame. Adjusting to change would be hard for anyway, but after years of Kanye being the important figure that he is, any chance he had of trying to balance being present in the family and being well, Kanye, is all but gone. Lyrically the song touches on forgotten birthdays, awkward appearances at family gathering, and the question of whether or not any one has real friends, all set to the tune of an instrumental that sounds like it is crying. He states he tries to make time, but as the busiest man in rap I can imagine it is hard to be present 24/7, all the money in the world can't buy feeling loved or cared for, and it can't fix a broken family. The humane side of Kanye continues into 'Wolves', which contains a grimy bass-line and mesmerizing background vocals by Sia. It revolves around feeling lost in the world and being received as “too wild”. It is very possible that he just feels misunderstood, but I think it goes deeper than that. In life you are going to do things you regret, and these things range from having sex with the wrong person to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But as the haunting melody carries on it reminds you of something else, it reminds of how you kept going despite your mistakes. Lost in the woods surrounded by wolves, some of which you created, the song is about how you deal with the fangs of life. With a more bare bones vocal appearance by Frank Ocean at the song's end hammering the idea that life is precious, and despite what you do wrong you have to conquer your past to succeed anywhere.

While '30 Hours' is not the last song on the album, it feels like the perfect end to the confusing and gorgeous narrative that Kanye is trying to paint for us. As it samples 'Answers me' by Arthur Russell, it creates the perfect backdrop of a road trip. It keeps going and going and as you listen you just get all this time to reflect. Kanye also chooses to use this beat to reflect on his past again as well, since this song was based off a real 30 hour road trip he took. More important than this, this song is a good overall summation of Kanye West as an artist. It demonstrates his legendary skill in sampling, his love of stopping and starting beats for emphasis, his tendency to add fellow artists voices to his songs just like they were their own instruments, and his rap style the seems to just float over the top over the top of the music. He even had the audacity to play with my heart and put Andre 3000 on the hook. The song goes on far past Kanye actually rapping anything significant over it, and he even points out himself that he just wants to let this rock like a bonus track on an old rap CD. He has come full circle and now is making a track to emulate the feeling that listening to classics back in the day gave him. And much like the wavy instrumental keeps going and going, so will Kanye's influence into the future. This is not only a good end to the album, but if this was the last song Kanye ever made, it would feel like an appropriate fit.

TLOP is a scattered and mixed up mess in a lot of ways. The themes are not consistent, the mood shifts quickly and severely, and it has almost no commercial appeal. That being said I think it is the most honest album Kanye has ever made. Hitting on everything from his own spirituality to demons that he fights everyday. A lot of rappers and artists can tell stories about how the feel or where they are coming from. A Lot of producers can make music that sticks in your head for days at a time. Many songwriters can evoke feelings that usually cannot be put into words. However not many singular artists can do all three as effectively as Kanye has done on this album. By picking his brain and letting it all fall out into the music, he has shown us what it means to be Kanye. The highs and lows, the pain and promise, and underlying spirit that guides him through it all. This is the soul of a man who wants to make art for as long as he can, and despite how scrambled you may feel after listening to it, you know that you are grateful for the time you had. In a lot of ways I want this to be his last album. I feel like this takes everything he has ever been known for, every Kanye he has been, and combines it all to form the True Kanye. We get bars, soul, inspiration, and the ever present controversy all in one package and it feels like a celebration of everything that is Kanye West. This album feels like a journey that has it's hiccups, but these hiccups are some of the most enjoyable parts of the ride, reminding you of when you first heard that breakout artist back in 2004, when it first occurred to you that this man might just become a legend in the Hip-Hop world.

FIRE SQUAD’S TOP HIP-HOP ALBUMS OF 2015!

            So last year around December I had a thought. I thought, “hey I like Hip-Hop, and I love looking at year-end lists, so why not make my own.” It was then with the help of my Friends Alex and Aiyana that we stared a Facebook group called the Fire Squad. The purpose of this group was just to discuss year end stuff and make a TOP LIST for 2014, but eventually it got to the point where we would use it year round to talk about Hip-Hop culture as a whole. News, memes, new songs, and random questions were thrown in the group and it motivated us to keep better track of what we listened to throughout the year. So instead of cramping in albums at the end of the year like I did in 2014, I kept myself current and now I feel like I am in a better place to give some great listening recommendations on some of the best Hip-Hop music 2015 had to offer.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Ecology- Fashawn

Song Choice: Guess Who's Back 

            This album is great, but unfortunately dropped a bit under the radar with its release. Although it was popular in underground circles the first week of release, that wasn’t enough to really let this album take off. Building off his 2009 classic “Boy Meets World”, West-Coast rapper Fashawn takes another look at the world through soulful production and raw lyrics. Being a bit more clever than crude, this is the kind of album you could show to someone who only associates Hip-Hop with violence and stupidity in order to prove them wrong. Talking about his environment and how that shaped him, Fashawn reminisces on his hard-headed youth, his beautiful state, and his love for his daughter. It is wonderful fully fleshed out album that makes you feel good, no matter where you may be in life, and as a Californian it makes me proud that I belong to a community that helped inspire music like this.

I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go outside- Earl Sweatshirt  

Song Choice: Grief

            The adorable yet twisted young super star of Odd Future has grown into a somber dark rap genius. Already known for his amazing lyricism and dark content, Earl turned everyone into a self-reflective introvert with his latest album. Still containing the same lyrical skill he is known for, this time Earl produced the entire album almost by himself, taking a minimalist approach and allowing heavy bass and quiet melodies to form the instrumentals he dances over. Taking of course about his own lack of desire to go outside, being betrayed by those he trusted, and missing his late Grandma, this is not the kind of album you listen when you want to feel happy. That in itself becomes its greatest strength though, as it holds the unique place of saying what a lot of people may think but don’t say. There is nothing wrong with the feelings of sadness or loneliness, especially when phrased so eloquently like they are by Earl on this album. Read more HERE

Mr.Wonderful- Action Bronson

Song Choice: Baby Blue

            I think Action Bronson is one of the most unique figures in rap right now. With a whimsical attitude and comedic tendencies, you would never expect this man to spit the bars that he does. But his latest album is filled with just that. In addition to the wavy production that fuses Rock N’ Roll, blues, and jazz together to make fun and layered instrumentals, we get Bronson put his metaphors and storytelling skills to work and giving us one hell of an album to listen to. This is another feel good project from one raps most interesting figures, and he proves once again that you don’t have to fall into a stereotype to be a successful rapper. Read more HERE

Sour Soul- Ghostface Killah & BadBadNotGood

Song Choice: Ray Gun

            This album really turned me onto GFK, whom I never really listened to before this. The Wu-Tang legend has been putting out some stellar music lately, but paired with the musical genius that is BBNG, it just gets so much better. With production that takes the improvisation elements of Jazz and fuses them with the classic soundtrack stylings of movies from the 60’s/70’s, this album sounds like it came out of a time capsule and on the way out picked up some raw lyrics. Over all this great music GFK does what he does best, tell stories of being a hood superhero and lyrical assassin. In a lot of ways with sounds like a classic DOOM album (which is funny because he is on the album), but without the cartoon interludes. If this is GFK’s way of branching out into new sounds I hope he continues to expand his horizons, because this album is just a small taste of greatness and I want more. Read more HERE

GO:OD AM- Mac Miller

Song Choice: 100 Grandkids

            Since his debut album was crucially panned, Mac Miller has been on a mission. The youth once hailed as a protégé after the releases of his mixtapes has started to shift his focus to more serious music. Not serious in the sense the lyrical content is too deep, but rather more lush instrumentals and albums that feel like they are actually part of a holistic album. He has spoken at length about how much more into the music he is now and that is certainly shown on his newest album. With production credits from everyone from Flying Lotus to Tyler, The Creater, GO:OD AM is a return to form for Mac Miller. With the optimistic vibe he became famous for coupled with the introspective lyrics that spawned after his darker period, he is now a more complete artist, able to comment on the lows of life while still being able to enjoy it. This album is fun to listen to, and more than that, it goes all over the world in turns of samples and production, and leaves you feeling like this kid is on the top of his game.

The Ten Titans

 10. Cherry Bomb- Tyler, The Creator

Song Choice: Fucking Young 

           While you can read more detailed musings about this album HERE, I think this album is a fantastic step in this young rapper/producers career. Getting to a place in life where you can feel comfortable just being yourself is one thing, but to be able to make music centered around the concept of finding that self and using it to propel yourself to success is another feat entirely. In this album Tyler paints colorful pictures of his inspiration and life goals, all so that you the listener can vibe with the music he is putting out and follow your own dreams.

9.  Rodeo- Travis $cott

Song Choice: Oh My Dis Side

            Rodeo came out of nowhere for me. I had been made aware of Travis’ work and have it all on my computer to eventually listen to, but I just never had time. What I did know was that Travis leaned more to the Trap side of rap production and that had me worried. You can read more HERE, but the basic point is that this GOOD music protégé has found a way to fuse the production style of Trap with the soulful aspects of traditional Hip-Hop production to make a sound that bangs and resonates with you at the same time.

8. The Documentary 2/2.5- The Game

Song Choice: Gang Bang Anyway

            A Lengthy work and bold release, West-Coast legend The Game dropped this double album in commemoration of the 10 year anniversary of his first album “The Documentary”. So what we get in this over 2 hours of music is a bunch of funky jams and tales of The Game’s gang infested past. Even now he maintains that he is a proud affiliate, even though he understands the consequences of his actions. 2.5 is overall stronger than the first CD, but both dive deep into what it means to be a gang member and how that affects your and your environment. Despite what many may think, The Game is no fool. He wants a better life for his sons and fellow people of Compton, and uses this music as a way to take control of his past and help others secure a better future. This is another Gangsta Rap classic, and I hope one day we can get to a point where this genre is no longer needed.

7. 90059- Jay Rock

Song Choice: Vice City

            After keeping his fan base waiting for 4 years, Jay rock dropped his album in September and it takes a different approach to the Gangsa Rap genre. While still telling stories about his hood and the kind of people you may find in it, he surprises you with the unexpectedly melodic production, sounding way more pretty than it has any right to. On top of that the way that Jay Rock changes up his flow from song to song shows just how versatile he is as a rapper. Being a part of TDE, Jay Rock cannot afford to be a slouch. While all of his label mates have found a sound that works for them, it seemed like he was falling behind. However after this album I don’t think there is anyone who thinks that. This takes the best of the in-house producers of TDE and spins a yarn that touches on gang violence, feelings of desperation, and the vices that haunt Jay Rock to this very day.

6. At. Long. Last. A$ap- A$ap Rocky

Song Choice: Electric Body

            A sad year for Rocky, who lost one of his closest friends and business partners A$ap Yams earlier in the year, this album is as much a celebration and tribute as it is anything else. Filled with that signature aggressive soul sampling and dark moody productions, this is the sound that Rocky and Yams made to boost him to stardom. And it is well deserved, appealing to both old Hip-Hop Heads and the new blood. It is a musical homage to psychedelic exploration with contemporary rap flavors mixed in. it is designed t take you on a trip and leave you there, with talk of women, fashion, and spirituality. With the added musicality of Joe Fox, a random musician rocky found on the streets of London who ended up helping with a big chunk of the album, this project excels at what it does, and will carry you away to a dark yet pleasant world that is meant to both hype you up and calm you down.

5. The Incredible True Story- Logic

Song Choice: Young Jesus

            Part Hip-Hop joyride and part Sci-fi epic, this album is a wonderfully put together sophomore release from Maryland rapper Logic. Now logic’s album from just a year prior also made our list last year, and his new joint is even better than that. Logic’s biggest strength is that he is a huge fan of Hip-Hop, and uses other artists as much he does a drum machine for inspiration. What this results is an original story about two space pilots trying to find a lost planet accompanied but the then legendary album by Logic, which takes the best of the rap world and makes it its own. Produced by himself and his friend 6ix, this album features some of my favorite production of the year, with smooth melodies that actually make you feel like you are drifting off into space. Also on this album Logic explores the idea of leaving behind all the negativity of the rap game as well as what it means to find your own paradise. This almost has some of the strongest story telling elements of the year and has the best one of the best ending tracks to an album I have ever heard. Even if you think you wouldn’t be able to take logic seriously. Give this album a chance and really let yourself go.

4. Summertime ’06- Vince Staples

Song Choice: Norf Norf

            The debut album of Long Beach native Vince Staple makes for one of the best releases of the year. Why? While I talk about it at length HERE, The idea of such a young man going through so much is crazy. What is crazier though, is his ability to capture life in the hood so well and analyze the pros and cons of such a lifestyle. The youth may feel like legends and invincible at times, but more often than not they are plagued with anxiety and depression, all of which are hidden behind trigger fingers and gang signs. This is a modern take on Gangsta Rap, with a conscious twist and big ambitions. With the production done by the legendary No I.D, we get everything from booming beats to haunting melodies. While the second half is not as strong as the first, but are just as important and create the image of a lifestyle most of us do not want to even imagine, for it would be too much to handle even in the safety of our thoughts.

3. Compton- Dr.Dre

Song Choice: Deep Water 

            Back after 16 years to grace us once more with an album, this project was more than just promotion for the N.W.A movie that hit theaters in August. It is a powerful maximal production album that is in stark contrast with his older works. Although famous for creating the G-Funk sound back in the 90’s, Dre tried out his hand at makes beats just explode, and the end result is fantastic. With beats that almost break your speakers and features from what seems like the entire rap game, this album amazes song after song and does not stop until that 16^th track ends. Dre is a genius producer, and even better at constructing albums, each song flows into the next, and addresses everything from his rise to power to the state of his hometown today. He may have helped put Compton on the map, but he is well aware that he needs to do more to help his city, and has no shame taking pride in hailing from one of the most violent cities in America. Dre is a legend and continues do make music with the wisdom of a man who has seen the best and worst of this rap game.

2. Tetsuo & Youth- Lupe Fiasco

Song Choice: Mural 

            Lupe is finally back in a big way. After his deal with Atlantic lead to some less than stellar albums coming out, the man who brought us “Food and Liquor” and “The Cool” is back to paint us another musical masterpiece.  Separated into the 4 seasons, this album touches on life, love, pain, loss, the prison industrial complex, and stuff that I am sure is buried so deep that no one has found it yet. All of this done by one of the best uses of live instrumentation and sampling I have seen done on an album this year. Lupe crafts these amazingly long songs that just get so into themselves it’s no wonder he considers this to be a classic already. Despite many people falling off of Lupe, he spared no expenses in delivering a beautiful piece of rap genius. You can read more HERE, but I strongly encourage everyone to hear this album, it is the pinnacle of lyrical mastery and a bold artistic statement from one of raps finest.

1.  To Pimp a Butterfly- Kendrick Lamar 

Song Choice: Alright 

         

          While this should come as a shock to no one, especially considering my lengthy review HERE, This album is still just as amazing as when it dropped in March. Taking some of the best elements of all popular black music from the last 50 or so years, Kendrick creates not only a musical landmark, but an anthem for the new movement sweeping America. This is an album about hate, how we have been taught to hate ourselves for things we have no control over. This is an album about forgiveness, as we all make mistakes, and learning how to grow from those mistakes makes us better people. This is an album about depression, and how carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders will only ever weigh you down. This is an album about hope, and that if we keep holding on, everything will be alright. This is an album about pride, being proud of yourself and your heritage, and using that pride every day to build a better future for yourself and those around you. This is the kind of album people will be talking about in 20 years as the album that changed everything. I will be showing my kids this album when they ask me what got me through hard times in my final college years. Most importantly people will remember this album as the work the inspired them to remember who they are, where they came from, and where they want to go. There have been a ton of amazing albums that I have had the pleasure of listening to this year, but none have plagued my thoughts so much that even in my dreams I can hear Kendrick screaming “I love myself”.