Back From Hiatus...and Insane

I have often question my own sanity, analyzing my psyche to see what kind of person I am or how far gone I am…and I have to come to the conclusion that I am insane…

I am no saint, and I have never claimed to be, my I try my best to help those I care about realize the potential in themselves when I refuse to do the same when it comes to me. I tell to always because they can do so much more than they realize, but at the end of the day I am the one in my room doubting his own abilities.  I guess I do this so others will not end up second guessing themselves like I do…but it doesn’t not change the fact that with every hypocritical statement I make I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into an abyss that I cannot work my way out of. To be honest I do not know why this is. I mean my childhood was not traumatic; I have never lost a family member in a violent and/or sudden way (knock on wood), and usually I am one of the most upbeat people you will find. But on nights like this...where it is just me and my thoughts…all I have to contemplate is my insane nature.

I am a hypocrite. I do not practice what I preach. I admit this because I know that there are those out who are not willing to do the same. To me the preservation of human life and future generations has always been a main goal of mine. Whether it is giving freshman a pep talk or simply holding a door for an elderly women crossing the street, I always try to bring out the best in people…or at least this is what I say. I have no idea what kind of person I am anymore due to my nature of not staying true to promises…and I am freaking tired of it. I know the kind of person I want to be and how to get there, but the practice of actually doing so requires the implication of confidence tactics and methods that I am not used to. I cannot even defend my own dreams at this point.

I hate how every time I try and do something I am held back by my own fear of failure. Even though my track record of failure is not very big at all, I still always look toward the negative side of things when it involves girls, or my own abilities, or even my schoolwork. The things that make me myself are constantly being put on trial in my head where insanity is the judge, fear is the jury, hypocrisy is the jury, and confidence is the outmatched Phoenix Wright defense attorney that is doing his best to win the case.

I want to change. I want to get over all my B.S sorrows and really see the positive things the world has to offer instead the inherent evil that comes with life. I am not afraid to admit any of this because I know there are people who feel the same as me…to them I urge them to keep their heads up because we never know what the future holds and nothing is set in stone.

I do not like being insane…I want to change…