Every
time I am about to start a new entry for this blog I contemplate why
I still keep the star world around. For years it has just been a
little project that I never put much time or effort into. I started
it because I used to think that people cared about what I had to say,
that my voice could help people or somehow make a difference.
Thinking back, I wasn't even a Senior in high school then. Somehow
things have changed though. This blog means more to me than it
should, through it I can tell people things that I might be too
afraid to say face to face. It was through this medium that I was
able to tell people about my depressive disorder and for the first
time in years not feel ashamed of who I was. So here's to honesty,
because amidst all the madness it is the only thing I can really rely
on nowadays.
Pretty
much anyone I have talked to who is also going through the same
mental health fiasco as me will tell you about two things: good days
and bad days. On the good days you feel like the way we are meant to
feel as people. Happy, able to relate, able to feel, etc. We can wake
up and be genuinely happy that we opened our eyes that morning. These
are the days we live for, because they provide hope that one day
something like “being normal” can actually be achieved. The
problem of this lies in the opposite side of the scale: bad days. I
can't speak for everyone but for me my bad days consist of waking up
and being genuinely surprised that I woke up. I just want to sleep
and hide from the world because there is no power in the world that
could convince me that I am worth something. On my worst days I have
been suicidal, anti-social, and generally aloof towards the world all
before I go to my first class.
The
only reason I bring this up is because as of lately it seems that my
good days are getting better and my bad days are getting worse. I
don't feel like I can relate to people anymore. Like there is some
sort of divide between me and the rest of humanity that I just cannot
bridge. I do not know what is causing it but its starting to scare
me, mostly because I do not understand why this is happening to me.
Day in and day out I rack my brain trying to find a solution that is
not there to a problem that is consuming my life. Is this because of
a person I interacted with? Is this because of my location? Or is
this simply because I am broken and cannot ever return to how I used
to be? I am tired of my depression being a reason that I cannot do
things anymore. Anytime I think about hanging out with people or
making plans a little flag pops up in my head and says “don't
forget that no one cares about you and that this whole outing is
worthless”.
I
don't feel like a good friend anymore, which kills me because if
there was any aspect of myself I was proud of it was my bonds with my
friends. I know just how hard I can be to get along with, so I
treasure the people close to me and try my best to repay them for all
they do for me. Now though... I just feel like I am letting them
down. Like I am the “friend with a problem”, that everyone pities
and talks about when I am out of hearing range. My bad days have been
defining me and it is just weighing me down more and more. I have
been told to go talk to a therapist again but my trust issues with
people have just made life that much harder.
I
am starting to feel trapped within myself and I know I need help to
get out...the problem is I do not know who to trust. People have
reached out their hands to help and I slap them away just because I
am scared and paranoid. I want to connect with people again, I want
my friends to know how much I love them, I want to be the guy that
people want to be around again...but I just can't see that happening
anytime soon.
But
hey that’s only on my bad days...
