What it's like

Every time I am about to start a new entry for this blog I contemplate why I still keep the star world around. For years it has just been a little project that I never put much time or effort into. I started it because I used to think that people cared about what I had to say, that my voice could help people or somehow make a difference. Thinking back, I wasn't even a Senior in high school then. Somehow things have changed though. This blog means more to me than it should, through it I can tell people things that I might be too afraid to say face to face. It was through this medium that I was able to tell people about my depressive disorder and for the first time in years not feel ashamed of who I was. So here's to honesty, because amidst all the madness it is the only thing I can really rely on nowadays.

Pretty much anyone I have talked to who is also going through the same mental health fiasco as me will tell you about two things: good days and bad days. On the good days you feel like the way we are meant to feel as people. Happy, able to relate, able to feel, etc. We can wake up and be genuinely happy that we opened our eyes that morning. These are the days we live for, because they provide hope that one day something like “being normal” can actually be achieved. The problem of this lies in the opposite side of the scale: bad days. I can't speak for everyone but for me my bad days consist of waking up and being genuinely surprised that I woke up. I just want to sleep and hide from the world because there is no power in the world that could convince me that I am worth something. On my worst days I have been suicidal, anti-social, and generally aloof towards the world all before I go to my first class.

The only reason I bring this up is because as of lately it seems that my good days are getting better and my bad days are getting worse. I don't feel like I can relate to people anymore. Like there is some sort of divide between me and the rest of humanity that I just cannot bridge. I do not know what is causing it but its starting to scare me, mostly because I do not understand why this is happening to me. Day in and day out I rack my brain trying to find a solution that is not there to a problem that is consuming my life. Is this because of a person I interacted with? Is this because of my location? Or is this simply because I am broken and cannot ever return to how I used to be? I am tired of my depression being a reason that I cannot do things anymore. Anytime I think about hanging out with people or making plans a little flag pops up in my head and says “don't forget that no one cares about you and that this whole outing is worthless”.

I don't feel like a good friend anymore, which kills me because if there was any aspect of myself I was proud of it was my bonds with my friends. I know just how hard I can be to get along with, so I treasure the people close to me and try my best to repay them for all they do for me. Now though... I just feel like I am letting them down. Like I am the “friend with a problem”, that everyone pities and talks about when I am out of hearing range. My bad days have been defining me and it is just weighing me down more and more. I have been told to go talk to a therapist again but my trust issues with people have just made life that much harder.

I am starting to feel trapped within myself and I know I need help to get out...the problem is I do not know who to trust. People have reached out their hands to help and I slap them away just because I am scared and paranoid. I want to connect with people again, I want my friends to know how much I love them, I want to be the guy that people want to be around again...but I just can't see that happening anytime soon.

But hey that’s only on my bad days...