Caught in Between

 Caught in between, Audio Version

 As you all may know by now, my cosmic- themed blog stands as my own personal journal and outlet for my often confusing emotions, I put the entirety of my innermost thoughts out on display for the world to see. I do not crave attention nor do I am I trying to change the world, I simply believe that what I am going through is relatable (even though a lot of times I feel alone) and if I keep writing one day I can help someone else find their way.

 

Now that that is out of the way lets talk about life for a minute. Lately I have been in a perpetual state of gray. At first I figured this was just due to the graying weather outside, but upon deeper introspection I found the answer to be a lot more...sinister. I am a California kid going to school in upstate New York, one of the farthest possible places from my hometown. Now of course this isn't news, I am in my third year and loving it; so why did I bring this point up? Well I feel as though each of my years has been characterized by a distinct feeling or state of mind. Freshman year I was excited, Sophomore year I doubted myself and a lot of my choices (and of course the depression did not help). This year I would describe myself as torn. I am torn between my desire to live out a life in California, and my dream of making my own mark in the world somewhere new. Most of the multimedia platforms I manage (my podcast, this blog, my dance videos) could pretty much be done wherever I am if I have the right equipment, but I feel as though if I move back to the golden state then I will get nothing done. As much as it pains me to say it...there have been a lot of times where California just does not seem like home anymore.

Do not misunderstand me, California raised me. In the bay area I learned how to dance, appreciate other cultures, and stand up for what I believe in. It has given me memories, friends, music, food, and enough sunshine to brighten up anyone's day. However that part of my life is also behind me. I am not a high schooler anymore, when I go home for breaks things seem more and more foreign as the younger generation grows around me and departs on their own journeys. It makes me feel as though I am not doing enough, like I should be spending my breaks in another country or doing an internship, like California will become a crutch if I let it. My grayness stems from the fact that I feel homeless, Rochester is nice enough but I am essentially just visiting, and going home may mean that I never get a chance to actually utilize my potential. I have things I want to do: I want to share my voice and my vision as far as it can go and I won't be content otherwise. Whenever I talk to my family back home it makes me sad, because I have already made the decision that even though California will always be waiting for me with open arms, I may have to reject it's embrace.

I need to make my own path. I want to be able to support myself, I want to one day buy the house we live in so my mother never has to worry ever again, I want my podcast or blog to take off so I can find more and more like minded people and establish a community of artists. I want to create, inspire, and heal people. Everything I do is for the purpose, and if I cannot find a way to make my beautiful home state fit into that dream then I am sorry family but I will not be coming home. I lock myself in my cave here working on so many things at once that it is hard to believe I still find time to enjoy myself. I miss my parents, I miss my grandparents, I miss my hometown, I miss feeling like I had all the answers...but I chose to come here. I chose a life of creation over conformity and have no regrets. I am putting all this out in the air because writing the gray away is one of only things I know for certain. So while things may be confusing now, I am still going to work and do what I love, because that is what California taught me.  

Reflection on my first dance project

Find the project here -->Therapy 

My first dance project, titled “Therapy”, is a reflection of my own struggles dealing with depression last semester. I tried my best recapture how it felt in a way that would convey the point without hammering in cliché stereotypes. Going through depression was one of the most challenging this I have ever had to go through, and one of the main reasons I was able to make it through was because of the amazing dance program here at the University. I was forced to get out of my room because I had classes to take, workshops to attend, and performances to make. Anyone who dances can tell you how hard it is to be in a sour mood when you are doing the thing you love most in the world.

Depression is like getting caught in a vicious cycle that you feel like you have no control over, whereas dance is the exact opposite. In Dance you have all the control you could ever want or need, which gives you a much needed base to start recovering from. In this project that narrative I tried to tell was of a relatable college student just down on his luck. No drama or talks of drastic final measures, just a simple look at what it feels like inside the cycle. I dimmed the first few shots so they would be more pale and left a few out of focus to get my point across. In class we learned how vital it can be to use the movement of the camera as a sort of dance itself, so I chose to make the whole project in a circular fashion. It was split into two parts, in sense it was an act 1 and 2 of 3 (or act 2 and 3 without an act 1 if you think about it in a particular way), but the first half was done weeks before I even knew what the space of the bus would be like. Even after I had to shift a few things around and I changed the way I wanted to dance about 5 times before I settled on the concept.

During the day of the actual arts bus “performance”, the bus was almost two hours late, which of course meant that I second guessed whether or not I even wanted to use it anymore. I wish I had not been so attached to the idea beforehand. I wanted the bus to be more of a representation of dance then the actual dance itself. The character just sees this thing and approaches it on the off chance that it might help him, just like how I found dance. I never saw myself as a dancer and honestly used to have no sense of rhythm, but I stumbled upon a new hobby that would evolve into a lifestyle and I never looked back. The dancing on the bus was all improv, no planning except for the song that plays over it. We cannot predict how we will cope with depression, in fact sometimes the answer will just hit us out of nowhere, but when it does you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone if you want to heal.

This piece does not really have a true ending, and not because depression does not have a true ending or something like that (although I could use that excuse), but because I just did not know how to end it. The resolution would have to fit the theme, so the best thing would probably be for the character to return to his room, look at his bed as if he wants to go back to sleep but then decide that he has slept enough. It is a simple way to convey the more complex phenomenon of depression and the back and forth that comes with it. However, it does not last forever and if you find the thing that ties you to the world it is easier to elevate yourself to a more positive mindset.