As you all may know by
now, my cosmic- themed blog stands as my own personal journal and
outlet for my often confusing emotions, I put the entirety of my
innermost thoughts out on display for the world to see. I do not
crave attention nor do I am I trying to change the world, I simply
believe that what I am going through is relatable (even though a lot
of times I feel alone) and if I keep writing one day I can help
someone else find their way.
Now that that is out of
the way lets talk about life for a minute. Lately I have been in a
perpetual state of gray. At first I figured this was just due to the
graying weather outside, but upon deeper introspection I found the
answer to be a lot more...sinister. I am a California kid going to
school in upstate New York, one of the farthest possible places from
my hometown. Now of course this isn't news, I am in my third year and
loving it; so why did I bring this point up? Well I feel as though
each of my years has been characterized by a distinct feeling or
state of mind. Freshman year I was excited, Sophomore year I doubted
myself and a lot of my choices (and of course the depression did not
help). This year I would describe myself as torn. I am torn between
my desire to live out a life in California, and my dream of making my
own mark in the world somewhere new. Most of the multimedia platforms
I manage (my podcast, this blog, my dance videos) could pretty much
be done wherever I am if I have the right equipment, but I feel as
though if I move back to the golden state then I will get nothing
done. As much as it pains me to say it...there have been a lot of
times where California just does not seem like home anymore.
Do not misunderstand me,
California raised me. In the bay area I learned how to dance,
appreciate other cultures, and stand up for what I believe in. It has
given me memories, friends, music, food, and enough sunshine to
brighten up anyone's day. However that part of my life is also behind
me. I am not a high schooler anymore, when I go home for breaks
things seem more and more foreign as the younger generation grows
around me and departs on their own journeys. It makes me feel as
though I am not doing enough, like I should be spending my breaks in
another country or doing an internship, like California will become a
crutch if I let it. My grayness stems from the fact that I feel
homeless, Rochester is nice enough but I am essentially just
visiting, and going home may mean that I never get a chance to
actually utilize my potential. I have things I want to do: I want to
share my voice and my vision as far as it can go and I won't be
content otherwise. Whenever I talk to my family back home it makes me
sad, because I have already made the decision that even though
California will always be waiting for me with open arms, I may have
to reject it's embrace.
I need to make my own
path. I want to be able to support myself, I want to one day buy the
house we live in so my mother never has to worry ever again, I want
my podcast or blog to take off so I can find more and more like
minded people and establish a community of artists. I want to create,
inspire, and heal people. Everything I do is for the purpose, and if
I cannot find a way to make my beautiful home state fit into that
dream then I am sorry family but I will not be coming home. I lock
myself in my cave here working on so many things at once that it is
hard to believe I still find time to enjoy myself. I miss my parents,
I miss my grandparents, I miss my hometown, I miss feeling like I had
all the answers...but I chose to come here. I chose a life of
creation over conformity and have no regrets. I am putting all this
out in the air because writing the gray away is one of only things I
know for certain. So while things may be confusing now, I am still
going to work and do what I love, because that is what California
taught me.
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