This
is basically a love letter for a house. For context I am a selectively sentimental
person. I look back fondly on material possessions and the memories they
represent, but I am also aware that without the emotional attachment most
things are not worth much. Long story short my Grandma is sick and can no
longer live on her own, I have spent the last week or so helping clear out her
house, and more specifically today was the last time I got to step foot in her
house. We moved out everything and for the first time in 9 years I saw the
house as just an empty building, not the second home I had known for so long.
As I was gathering up garbage and moving things out of
the house none of the emotional significance really stuck with me, all I wanted
to do was empty the house. My mom has been under stress so it was my job to be
the strength. I have moved around 8 times in my life so the site of cardboard
boxes and feeling of frustration are not new to me. Each time I have had to
watch as my mom struggles to handle things essentially on her own because that
is how things have always been. So this time I vowed to be as much as help as I
could. As we moved boxes and drove back and forth from my Grandmas house that
is about an hour away I never complained. I would do anything for my mom, so I could
understand her devotion to hers. But today as we drove to the house my mom
brought up that this would be the last time we drove out to this house…
9 years is like a lifetime for me. As long as I can
remember this is the house has been my second home. When I was torn up about
leaving my first Pinole house I took solace in 541. Major holidays were spent
with me, my mom, and Grammy all gathered in the living room watched the pile of
DVD’s we brought or rented so that Grammy could be caught up. I remember all
the times mom fell asleep during the movie because she was tired from driving
and Grammy and I would always poke fun at her for it. I remember the Mac n’
cheese served that made not eating all day to save space worth it. I remember
deserts that were bought by Grammy just to make sure I had something waiting
for me when I was there. At night I would go back to my room in the house and
just play video games until I got busted for staying up and was told to sleep. I
still vividly remember Grammy’s feet shuffling as she made her way to the room
to check on me.
There was an empty box for a Wii memory card sitting on a
table in my room there, the box was put there when I brought my Wii over the Christmas
I got it and has been laying there ever since. That was in 2007. I threw the
box away and only after did I realize that that box has been there almost as
long as I have been visiting. This kind of déjà vu type memory flashes kept
happening as I cleared junk and slowly all the junk turned into something
important. We threw a lot (mostly because I refuse to let my mom hoard things) and
afterwards I felt like I just kept throwing away memories. Walking through a
near empty living room I was reminded of the time there was an all day Naruto
marathon on Cartoon network so I had the TV in the living room and my room on
so I could pace back and forth and watch it. Now there was nothing. No TV, no marathon,
and no little boy pacing back and forth carefree.
I understand that this is not the most traumatic thing in
the world, but to me one of the only permanent homes I knew just…stopped being
that. All the memories, arguments, presents, food, movies, pets, etc. are just
gone. My Grammy is now recovering elsewhere and 541 cannot house her anymore. When
I went off to college and could only see Grammy on breaks trips to the house
were more valuable, simply because I only went a few times a year. I could
finally drive up to the house and let my mom relax. I was growing up but still
felt like a kid in the presence of the place. Last summer we sold Grammy’s car
(which I had known for longer than the house) and that was the same kind of sad
on a more minor scale. Things change and nothing lasts forever but I just hate
to see this house go. I stayed strong as I looked at the barren shell right
before we left, as we watched the garage go down for the last time, as we gave
the keys back to the landlord and returned home. I went to visit Grammy on the
way back and when she asked about the house I just broke down. It feels like a
big chunk of my life is behind me and things will not be the same. I have to go
back to school thousands of miles away and things and be left out the loop
again. Times like this I regret leaving and wish I could stay to help out…but
you cannot look back. I thank you 541 for all you have done for me. in the last
few moments of seeing you I saw everything I have done in that house flash
before my eyes.
My Grammy told me as I was crying that she understands
all too well the feeling, it was her house after all. She told me that I have
started to build a new home in Pinole and in Rochester, filled with family and
friends who have my back. I hate to lose 541, which feels like a family member
at this point, but I will just have to trust her word.
The Star World must
continue.
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