Okay...so this is kind of weird, but this features my friends, the animals and symbols halfway through this are all representations of one of my friends and some of their qualities. That is all, enjoy.

WHY WE FIGHT

We fight to win. We fight because this world is cruel and unusual and on a daily basis we deal the ignorant and racist and get subtle implications of detonation. We are warriors. Warriors bred to engage in constant battle against life and expected to not falter in our resolve nor slow our stride as we constantly walk toward that final gate.

            We have always fought. Since our birthing into this world the forces of chaos and discord have tried to end us, corrupt us, steal us from purity and force us into sin and savagery. From our sweet childhood of our friends telling us it’s okay to throw rocks at cars to our high school ventures where “friends” may try to force a joint or cigarette through your dentures.  And the end result is we either win or we lose, there is no draw, no medium difficulty, no straw to land in if you fall, and no semi-glory.

           

            We fight to achieve our dreams and to quiet the evil that, when it’s in our heads, screams. It screams claiming it has seen the future and fore seen that we are to fail, kill, pillage, and end up in a mental jail. Yet… even against the depression, against the corrupt nature of the world, against ALL odds we fight. It may not be right but it is our plight to fight so that we can make our own destiny can take flight…a destiny that we warriors carved with our swords of light, and truth..

            And it is not just us, all of nature lashes out in order to protect its own and leave proof of its existence that is devoid of darkness.

The Flower, ever standing its ground, refuses to barge and be controlled by oppressive parental winds, and while it may be repressed, its fighting so that sunny days may come again and its cheerful pollen can spread and protect its loved ones.

The Beauty, unaware of its own powerful presence looks to improve itself while at the same time searching for a soul mate whose love comes from just that, their soul, and not just their lustful desire to mate.

The Chipmunk, always oppressed and looked down upon by the very being who created it, fights to always stand up for what it believes in, against the harshness of winter and traumas, so that it may one day find the right path.

The Pixie and Fairy, tiny yet strong, command their lives with graceful force and fight against the dark voice within themselves that drag them down, knowing deep down how amazing and powerful they truly are.

The Clowns, joyous by nature, fight to never let heartbreak, depression, and the weight of the world get the best of them.

The Sheep flocks to happiness and peace, fighting to prevent bad thoughts and dreams from blocking its path, leaping over them as if a fence in order to enjoy a tranquil sleep.

The Eland hardly speaks nor shows emotional, yet it fights ignorance and hatred that is spewed toward its direction, never forgetting that being unique is a gift not a curse.

The Lightning Bolt, as odd is it may seem, is eager to fight against all evil to protect those in need, with a smile on its face it never waivers in its resolve to win.

The Panda, is confused….yet even in its confusion it serves as a bright beacon of hope to all it encounters and fights to keep this tireless light from going out.

And The Stereotype... fights to show people they are wrong, tired of being a statistic yet a pround symbol of the truths we hid from ourselves, it boldly and sleeplessly strives to achieve its dream: to find truth in a dark world.

            We all fight…not to hurt, or to kill, but to survive, and strive. To gain freedom from malevolent futures and detrimental paths…because we are human..

            We fight to make our own destiny…

True compassion

another poem for yall lovely people 

You know…we put so much time and effort into portraying how perfect our hearts are and displaying our capacity for compassion. Bragging about how they will always lead us in the right direction, being masters of detection and protection yet most people know nothing about what it takes to be truly compassionate.

Compassion is a curse, yes I said curse. It is a dark gift that forces us to do the unthinkable in our modern world and put others before ourselves, stack their own desires atop spiritual shelves and put their souls on line just to help someone else. Sticking ones neck out without fear of it being snapped or slashed, for in place of a bruise or gash there will only be…love, but we refuse to see that. To us compassion is to pity the man on the corner begging for coins instead of giving him spare change, and we have the nerve to call him deranged, when it is our motives that are weird and strange. We see our friend whom we have known for years, sad and alone, face covered in dry tears and we simply pass them by…never wanted to look weak in the eyes of reality that lie hidden somewhere in the sky.

“We never asked for this” you may say, pushing your inner guilt down. “We want to help others, but we do not know how”… So learn.

Learn to be the one who allows this amazing contraption inside us that is the heart resonate and connect with others instead of being a useless symbol in a love caption. Reaching out to people is not as complicated as it seems, for we have the means to love and banish the darkness surrounding a person’s soul away with our spiritual beams. Stop being afraid. There are people out there suffering and crying out for help, people going through the same thing as you and I, people just as human as you and I.

And please…do not just mark my words off as a desperate man preaching needlessly because that’s not the point. The point is we owe it to our own humanity to help others in any way we can. Our modern world has shaped us into a people that work to secure their own seatbelts, but never check the seats of those next to us, those close to us, and far from us, and we find it incredibly joyous when they get thrown from the plane instead of us. We cannot survive as a race if we do this. True Compassion is irrational, not factual and certain insane, because it involves being unselfish…something we as people have not yet mastered… but we have the ability to...to true be there for someone in need while they plead on hands and knees for a savior we can be there to support them and be a metaphorical floor to them until they learn to take off and soar on their own.

True compassion is love, it is being there when not asked to be there, it is an eternal gift that can always be re-gifted and shared …and it is something we are all capable all.

Think about it… 

End of 2011

It has been a good year…it really has, and I have accomplished more this year than I have in any other year. To all my friends who supported me this year, I would just like to say thank you, and that it is you all that keep me on the right track =3.

I want to end this year without any regrets, of course I have made some mistakes in 2011, but that’s not what I chose to focus on. I chose to believe in my own abilities and pursue a brighter future and I urge everyone who reads this to do the same. Reflect on the past but do not dwell on it, life is too short and we have too much to do to be distracted by things that have already happened and therefore we have no control over.

When I think about all the stuff I have done in 2011…found love, lost love, made new amazing friends, and learned a new way to look at life, it is kind of surreal that it past by so quickly. Time just creeps by when no one is looking and before we know it is the next day, then next week, then month, and so on. So we have to the make the best out of every single day in any way we can, without stupid things like anger and violence clouding our minds.

My New Year’s Resolution? To make the best of myself that I possibly can. This will be the year that I go off to college, so I will to my best to try and spread positive energy wherever I go. I know just how corny that sounds, but I am sure I can accomplish this goal as long as I keep my head up. I resolve to no longer be scared by the unknown, as terrifying as it is, I resolve to learn to face it. Being humans we have to ability to create in ways that no other race on this planet can do, but our fear of things we do not understand hinders us from truly getting things done. So let’s get over. All of us, all the negative things we hold onto and fear, lets just throw it out and start this year in the right way.

  Positivity  spreads and if we all look forward to the future than the scares of the past will eventually fade.

Thank you all for reading my random blog of insanity and madness in 2011 and I hope you continue to read in the year that follows, until then

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!

Back From Hiatus...and Insane

I have often question my own sanity, analyzing my psyche to see what kind of person I am or how far gone I am…and I have to come to the conclusion that I am insane…

I am no saint, and I have never claimed to be, my I try my best to help those I care about realize the potential in themselves when I refuse to do the same when it comes to me. I tell to always because they can do so much more than they realize, but at the end of the day I am the one in my room doubting his own abilities.  I guess I do this so others will not end up second guessing themselves like I do…but it doesn’t not change the fact that with every hypocritical statement I make I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into an abyss that I cannot work my way out of. To be honest I do not know why this is. I mean my childhood was not traumatic; I have never lost a family member in a violent and/or sudden way (knock on wood), and usually I am one of the most upbeat people you will find. But on nights like this...where it is just me and my thoughts…all I have to contemplate is my insane nature.

I am a hypocrite. I do not practice what I preach. I admit this because I know that there are those out who are not willing to do the same. To me the preservation of human life and future generations has always been a main goal of mine. Whether it is giving freshman a pep talk or simply holding a door for an elderly women crossing the street, I always try to bring out the best in people…or at least this is what I say. I have no idea what kind of person I am anymore due to my nature of not staying true to promises…and I am freaking tired of it. I know the kind of person I want to be and how to get there, but the practice of actually doing so requires the implication of confidence tactics and methods that I am not used to. I cannot even defend my own dreams at this point.

I hate how every time I try and do something I am held back by my own fear of failure. Even though my track record of failure is not very big at all, I still always look toward the negative side of things when it involves girls, or my own abilities, or even my schoolwork. The things that make me myself are constantly being put on trial in my head where insanity is the judge, fear is the jury, hypocrisy is the jury, and confidence is the outmatched Phoenix Wright defense attorney that is doing his best to win the case.

I want to change. I want to get over all my B.S sorrows and really see the positive things the world has to offer instead the inherent evil that comes with life. I am not afraid to admit any of this because I know there are people who feel the same as me…to them I urge them to keep their heads up because we never know what the future holds and nothing is set in stone.

I do not like being insane…I want to change…

2 Cool Sonnets

Street Artist’s Sonnet

Rebels in the morning sun hit the streets,

This is the art they have chosen.

Gliding along black pavement with their Nike-covered feet,

Isolating each joint as if the world was moving in slow-motion.

Controllers of their bodies and masters of their spirits,

With their hands they solve King Tutt’s ancient puzzle.

They know not the future and they do not fear it,

Willing to Battle the guardian of Hades, sans the muzzle.

These rebels are not heroes, simply artists with excessive skill.

Whose arms twist in grotesque shapes like action figurines.

Dark ballerinas who do not know defeat and never will,

This is the lifestyle they have chosen indeed.

Forged underground and brought into new light by the Feinz,

This is the art that reflects the true value and passion of the streets, Turfing.

Ex Sonnet

I see you with him and it hurts my soul,

Knowing that once you were mine.

To give you a unique kind of love was my only goal,

Now all I can do is look back in time.

I hear about your newfound “perfect man”.

I hear that he is “the one”.

I hear that he agreed to your crazy fantasy wedding plan.

Yet I also hear that with other girls he has fun.

Your “perfect man” is the fox of foxes

Like those “gentlemen” that appear on Maury.

Now I hear that you are broken and looking for the truth to fight,

As you question life over your half-eaten fudge cookie boxes.

You “hit me up” as if old times for help to which I say “sorry”.

Sorry that you chose this path of heartbreak, but I cannot help, I have a date tonight.

Personal statement take 2?

Who am I?

            I am Ezekiel Starling, only son of Lou and Michele Starling and self-proclaimed Starling prodigy. I was unwillingly pulled from my mother’s womb in the Kaiser hospital of San Francisco on the 15^th of October in the year 1994. I am an African American but I am not sure if I am mixed with anything else, my parents never told me if I am and I have never asked. My mother is the eldest of 4 children on her side of the family deemed the Pleasants. My father hails from the family of Starling and is also the oldest of 4 children. Some may see this as confidence but I view it as a sort of destiny, like I was meant to be brought into this world.

            I have lived only with my mom since birth. My parents split up when I was a very young so all I remember of the break is a very vague member of me listening to my parents arguing through my cracked open door. Despite never living with him however, my father has always been part life, albeit he has not been as supportive as my mom. My childhood life was a lot different than most peoples, the reason being that I have moved to a new house about every 2 years until I arrived in Pinole. This being the case I became sort of a shut mentally but I was tried to portray a happy upbeat person. I formed a very dark alter ego one could say, and I in turn locked away my true personality. In fact it is fair to say that I did not comfortably develop my true self until I got into high school, the true self that I am proud of and feel blessed to be every day.

            So you may ask, what exactly is the kid all about? Well I shall tell you. I am the very definition of an optimist, I always look on the side that will bring others joy because to do otherwise is to invite back a darker me that I would rather not have around anymore. This however does not make me naïve, I know how evil and cold the world can be but I choose to “kill them with kindness” so to speak. I believe that human beings have the potential to do so many positive things in this world and just need to be pushed in the right direction by someone, and that someone is me. I spew confidence and encourage all of my friends to do the same, not to be arrogant, but to inspire those around me to have faith in themselves and their abilities. This pay it forward tactic was incepted into my mind by the very life I grew up in, and it reflects my positive nature. While I may say I act one way however, certain people tend to see me in a different light. What I see as a friendly attitude toward everyone others may perceive as an annoyingly blunt personality that they cannot stand because they are not used to it. So in a sense I am very much misunderstood and rejected by some people. While to others this would be a source of sadness, to me it is simply a motivator to keep pressing on. Others may see me as a hindrance now, but as I continue down the road of confidence and inspiration I can only hope others can see me for the positive person I truly am. So just to clarify, I am not some sort of big shot who believes he is the single most important thing in all of creation, no.  I am a boy who believes that the world is full of good and bad, but in the end the good will always ultimately triumph.

            My positive eyes, seemingly bright as the sun, have seen their fair share of pain however. In particular I remember my freshmen through sophomore years I had no father. Through an instance that had no control over and was sprung upon me without any type of mercy or forgiveness, my father told me he was going away…for 2 years. I had never really thought about life without my parents, but at the moment he told it suddenly hit me, he was leaving. Up until that point in my life, even though he did not live with me, my father had been my hero. In my mind whenever I thought of him all I thought of was a strong athlete who was always one of the “cool dads”, I was proud to be his son and I wanted to grow up to be just like him. It was a hard reality to face and all I could do was cry, I felt the pain of not having around for the first few weeks of school, and after the sadness I felt anger build up inside me. I thought to myself “how could he do this to me? Right when I need him the most, the first years of high school…why?”. It took a little while to cope with but I got a shocking revelation from the experience, and that was that my father was not perfect. This ideal of him that I had built inside my mind was not entirely accurate, he was a human with flaws, and these flaws made me decide to become a better person. This period marked the beginning of a new me, a me that relied on becoming the best person I can rather than relying on becoming like my father one day. It took the experience of losing my father to realize that I had not put enough time into developing my own persona. This helped me distinguish myself mentally and properly started me down the road to becoming a strong and independent man, a better man than my father. I do not belittle my father’s parenting qualities, this instance purely provided me with the mental insight that I must never put my son through something like this, and that I must train myself to be the best I can be.

            In my life I have always struggled with my self-image. I have tried to adjust my personality to please those around me and be more popular. I believe this was due to me moving around so much as a child and having a new batch of friends every 2 years. I hated the fact that I did not know how my future self was going to turn out. I had a mental picture of how I wanted to turn out, and then I had the image of how reality would force me to turn out as. I was terrified that I would become a dangerous person who was isolated from society, or worse, a threat to society. I tried to change, but it never worked because there was rubric for me titled “the person Ezekiel Starling should mold himself into” and for the first two years of my high school I had no real father figure to teach me about becoming a man. With nowhere and no one to turn too (I could not tell my mom about this, I held up a happy image around her as to not worry her) I simply sank deeper and deeper into the Zeke that I did not want to be. I thought that the state I was in was absolute, and that is what I struggled with the most. The dark promise of eventual insanity seemed more and more prominent as the days wondered on, and this did not change until high school.

            I remember a time where I blew it was when I was trying to get into the Ivy League Connection (ILC). It was a big deal to me when I was nominated to participate in such a prestigious program. If I were to be selected to participate, then I would be able to go to an Ivy League college for a w whole month in the summer of my sophomore year. I was pumped and ready for the challenge; I went through all of the steps and made it to the final leg of the competition, the interview. This is apparently where it all went wrong, I had bad interview conduct and as a result come off with the appearance that I was not confident and therefore not a good candidate. Needless to say I did not get picked to go, and I was heartbroken. I had built the thought of me going up so much in my mind that I now had no idea what to do. I felt as though I let my entire family down, and even worse, a lot of my friends were picked to go. This loss of my goal made me hate the whole ILC program and feel like a failure. In the weeks following I developed a different reaction to the experience. The rejection from the chance to visit my dream school over the summer made me more determined to fight for the chance to actually attend my dream school in real time. I realized that I had a lot more work that needed to be done on my own person before I could actually attend an Ivy League college, so in a sense I found a way to make myself get over the rejection of the ILC by looking toward the future. I know I am not guaranteed a spot in any college, but the rejection I have already experienced has braced me for the fight ahead, and this time I will win.

            An experience that really taught me something special was my summer camp trip to the rotary funded camp royal in the summer before my senior year. This was a special interact oriented leadership camp that was a week long and without a doubt a truly life changing experience. This was by no means and ordinary leadership camp, quite the opposite; instead of teaching you how to be a leader politically it shows you the spiritual aspect of it. From this camp I learned the true extent of why you should not judge people; we learned from first-hand experience that everybody has a story, some good and others bad. Through this trip I was able to reflect on my own life and not just see how far I have to go, but how far I have come and developed since my freshman year. This trip gave me the knowledge I need to succeed as a leader in life and gave memories I will never forget. I sincerely believe that that that week and camp royal brought out the best side of me and gave me the courage to dive headfirst into my senior and whatever lies after.

            Looking back…I have had a lot of really great experiences in high school, but if I had to pick one that will stand out more than the rest, it would probably be being part of the PVHS marching band. Through the band I met some of the people that would end up becoming my closest friends and had some of the best times of my life. Being in band is more than just being a performer; it is being part of a family. When I really think about it, band is full of people trying their best to get along even though we know that we all have our differences, is that not the very definition of a family? I think it is and it is this very family that has shaped my high school image. Due to the band I was no longer just a lost kid trying to find himself, I belonged to a positive and well respected group that had my back when I needed it. Band is defiantly one part of my life where I have zero regrets, the good moments band has brought me defiantly outweighs the bad and I am eternally grateful for it. If I had to give any advice to any middle school kid thinking about continuing band in high school, I would strongly urge them to do it, because it is worth it, there are very few places in life where you can feel truly accepted by people and the PVHS band is certainly one of those places. The confidence and strength I have gained from being part of this family has become my moral support and keeps pushing me in the right direction, even if I start to doubt myself I can always find my way back to the right path.     

            In my future I hope to be the biggest success I can possibly be. I plan on starting this by attending a four year college. My top choice as of now is Columbia University (my GPA may be low compared to other students, but I am counting on my strong unique personality to secure me s spot). I plan on majoring psychology and/or anthropology so I can better understand people and be able to help them more. I hope to make to make a career of what I love to do most, which is helping people. I believe that all the positive things I have done in my life are meant to be used for a bigger purpose. I never really think about my future family because I think it is weird to focus on something that will just end up worrying me. I can only hope that one day I will have a beautiful wife and kids, until then I will press and go to school to secure me degree and continue bettering myself. I want to do something with my dance and music skills as well, something on the side to keep increasing my skills and have a good hobby to de-stress me in times of dire need. My future is very vague but I have no doubt it will turn out as awesome as I imagine it to be.

            It is kind of strange, but in a sense writing this essay has sort of made me step back and look at my life in the form of a timeline. From my darkish past of being a kid with low self-image; to the confident, funny, and overall joyous person that I am today. I have made mistakes in my past but I do not regret anything, for I know that everything has happened to me for a reason. Whether it be the will of God or my own dumb luck, I have turned out on top. This statement made me realize that nothing ever got me down enough to give up hope in myself, and through my experiences I was able to beat my dark side. This is no time for me to start slacking off though… now more than ever it is time for me to keep blasting through the walls of life so I can achieve my goals.

            So who am I? I am the lucky boy who found the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow.

Personal statement take 1?

Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?

I am a unique individual. There is no one on this planet exactly like me nor will there ever be. Since my freshman days in high school I have grown into an intelligent, well-rounded, and reliable person, however the credit for this growth goes not simply go to me. In my journey to become a good person I have had big influential factors on both sides of the positive and negative fence. On the negative side there is the negative influence of my absent father, and my own personal sense of rejection. Whereas on the positive side I have my amazingly supportive mom, and the sense of community and acceptance I have felt by being in Pinole Valley High School (PVHS) marching band.

My Father has always been a part of my life, but more so in spirit than actual reality. Since my childhood I remember always looking up to and viewing him as a hero, only later on in my years did I come to see that my visions my slightly distorted. To put it simply my father is not the most reliable person and is only present when it is convenient for him. When I started to realize this I could not help but wonder if somehow his absence was related to me being a bad son. While one might see this as a sob story in the making, I learned to develop a new mentality based off of my father’s personality, a mindset where I told myself that I would never be my father. I vowed to become educated and reliable, someone respectable and amazing. This is a goal that I think of everyday and inspires me to strive in everything I do and become the best person I can possibly be.

On the reverse side of my father is my mother, who gives me strength every time I look at her. From her I have learned the value of genuine support and surrounding yourself with positive people. She always told me “do not worry about our financial situation, that’s my job. Just worry about school and becoming a good man”. These words resonated within me and allowed me to point my attention toward my academics and extra-curricular activities, without having the constant mental remainder of my financial situation looming over my head. There was even a time where my mother and I were forced to leave our home of 6 years due to sudden foreclosure, and as traumatic as this was to me at first, through me moms optimism and undying faith that we would find a new home I was able to remain calm. Through her love and positive aura I have grown into someone who wants to emit the same positive energy as she, and will not stop until I am able to be reliable as she.

Like a lot of other teens in my generation I have dealt with the problems of low self-image and a sense of unimportance among my peers. From the moment I stepped foot onto the grounds of high school I feel inadequate and awkward. I was not one of the perfect students who were taking all advanced classes in their freshman year or had taken them over the summer. I felt alone, a lot of my middle school friends were either gone to different schools or took a darker path than I. My fear overcame me and instead of learning to be myself I tried to adapt to what would make me the most “popular” and well liked. As a result I became a nuisance and sank even further into my own self-pity. It was only at this low point that I was able to find my saving grace: marching band.

At my school the marching band is about being part of a family, and it is this family that accepted me for the person I was and not the person I was trying to be. As far as I am concerned the marching band was the start of my high school life. It sparked my ideals of giving as much back to the community as possible and being positive role model for future generations. As I progressed through all four years of high school, the marching band has been one of my main support systems, with its combination of having the friends I love in it and teaching me to be a more outgoing person. Without band I know that my high school experience would have led me down a road that I was not meant to go. It has shaped me into an upbeat person with the goal to energize and inspire others.

These factors make up the person I am today, I regret nothing and feel as though I can only go up from here.

what do you think?