Trying my hand at something new

So I just saw an amazing play and I wanted to write some sort of monologue ..problem is that there is no basis for it other than i just want it to exist. Oh well here goes something.

I know not Sanity.

What would monologue be if it were not written for a specific purpose? How would a bird fly if it were never told it could? For years the impossible has plagued my mind to the point where I know that I am not your average bear. Rather I am black sheep, who strays from the flock not out of choice, but by habit. My head is like water and oil, stuck in a timeless dance in which there is no touching. It is madness with a positive outlet, it is the only thing I know.

I know not fear.

I only know the sweet satisfaction of overcoming issues that we build up in our minds, like demonic snowballs that become progressively larger and larger until we either move the hell out the way or allow ourselves to be swallowed.

I have long forgotten pain.

To know pain in my mind implies that any sort of pain is new, that world can keep inspiring me to feel hurt in new ways every day. This is by no means the case. Somewhere in the course of my 18 years of life my and pain have become brothers, forever intertwined so we are never without the other. It is through this bond with pain that I can progress and live life, for the worst enemy I could encounter on my journey is the one that I am already bonded with.

I am no stranger to failure.

We all fall, some more than others and me more than those. The plane we exist on is not easy to survive in, and that is a truth that most people know but do not easily accept. We all want to put ourselves out there be we do not want our submissions rejected, our applications denied, nor our ideas shut down. I struggle to find the balance between failure and success because without one then the other truly cannot exist.

I do not know how to properly love.

I want to help all those I hold dear to me, even old flames I see struggling to stay ablaze with the winds of the world trying to blow them out. Life of course does not function by your desires, but rather its desires, and life wants nothing more than to stay on a straight path. It is hard to love and remember the past fondly when everything is designed to make you look forward. The wave of the future, societal standards, and even education. We never take enough time to look back and see what has keep us alive to this point.

I am not a writer.

Funny it takes me inspiration to say something that matters. Maybe I actually am a writer, maybe I have just been hiding in the shadows for far too long. Like a late blooming cactus maybe it is time for me to take on the world that I so critically analyze in my own insane cranium. Or maybe I truly am not a writer…I could just be a fake, posing to be a part of something that I think means a lot when really I have no place in this community. That of course would mean that I would have to stop…stop talking about things I love and things that matter...and to stop doing what you love for now reason makes as much sense as nothing. If the universe strikes me down as I type with my fingers or dabble with my pen maybe then ill slow down…

Until then I will continue to speak the truth.

Just Another Rant

So it has come to my attention that I have made enemies on my floor, those who have now decided I am the worst person ever, and after today’s explosion I have finally constructed my response.

Grow the hell up. We take so much for granted nowadays it makes me sick to think of the grudges we hold against people for no good reason. granted no one is perfect and we are all guilty of holding something against someone for a stupid reason, but to seriously judge someone based off of nothing is just so…I don’t know…ignorant. It just makes me sad to think how many bonds are broken because of rumors or other ridiculous things.  As children we are taught not to stare at those who are different from us. People with disabilities, wheel chairs, eye patches, etc. and it is for this very reason. I have seen so many kids growing up with pre-conceived ideas of race, gender, and respect that are so twisted it actually makes me second guess my own morals. Maybe I am the crazy one after all. I think the worst part of this is that a lot of people who read this (especially those who do not like me) will see this as an attempt to make them look bad or establish myself as the bigger person, and it’s not that at all.

I don’t want to anger anyway, I don’t want to cause anyone pain, that’s never been the bloody point of this blog. This blog is my mind, constantly trying to make sense of everything around it and sometimes that means storytelling, sometimes that means poetry, and times like now it means venting. I follow the basic rule that was taught to us as children: “treat others how you want to be treated”. To the people I do not like I ignore then, and hope in return they ignore me. To those I love I support them, and hope in exchange they support me. Get it? We complicate life so much and sometimes it is just a load of crap. Do you, be happy, get smarter, but do not judge me or anyone like me because of who I am or what I have done. Why? It is stupid and a waste of time. Hating someone takes effort, especially if you are trying to coerce others into also hating said person. Just stop. Slow down. Take a breath. We have one life, and as demonstrated by todays tragic events not even a long one. I gave up on trying to hurt people and cause them pain a long time ago. I hope those who oppose me will one day to the same.

We are all people…we all feel and have lives and families and things we care about. Its just tragic to think that some of the people who died in today’s accident never got a chance to say goodbye to their loved ones or make up with a friend that they were thinking about.

            But then again this could all just be me being insane, who knows.

Short Poem: Overwhelmed

I felt strained like i was the pack mule for the Lewis and Clark expedition, not only carrying the physical weight of my masters but also carrying the hopes and dreams of an entire country on my shoulders.

I just want to hold her, the girl whom makes all my problems  fade. I need to get back...back to life back to reality back to the future parts 1 2 & 3...its all too much for me.

Who designed this whole life mess because i must attest i got a whole pile of complaints about this system that must refrain from saying because they don't want the truth. 

They don't wanna hear about that moment when we are at wits end and no enemy nor friend can make us feel anything, we are caught in between oblivion and salvation and all that is required is a tiny push toward either direction.

I felt like i made a mistake, like traveling to the frozen tundra wasn't the brightest idea, like leaving my nest and trying to fly has somehow only made my wings heavier. 

It is one of those days where I just felt overwhelmed.