All I Have

            All I have are these words that I type into a blank word document, trying to describe to you what it feels like to go through XYZ so that you can understand that I am genuinely trying to get my act together. These words that have kept me sane through months of doubt and self-loathing because I know when it boils down to it I want to get better. Self –pity is great but you can only use it as a crutch for so long before it breaks and you end up feeling worse about yourself. So I use these words, these odd symbols that we have taken to form a coherent language, to write down everything I feel so I can pinpoint my sadness. Only then can I look back and see how ridiculous I was for letting little things drag me down.

            All I have are my friends, scattered across the world, who serve as my support system and my extended family. I have never had siblings so I grew accustomed to treating my friends as the family you do not usually get to choose. I have cursed at them, used them as a shoulder to lean on, and had their backs as much as they have had mine, but I feel like it is never enough. In this life where terrible people can lurk around every corner it is imperative that you surround yourself with positive people who care about you, because you never know when you will need the extra hand to help you up. In the worse parts of my moods I have constantly complained to some of my closest friends about how sad I am or how life isn’t worth living or some other nonsense. To which the response is them telling me how much they hate for me (the pillar of energy and optimism apparently) to speak like I have given up. And for I time I had, but once someone close enough to my told me that through all my funk they felt like I was no longer trustworthy…well things changed. Choose people who will be honest with you, people who will be sensitive when necessary but are not afraid to really stick it to you if need be. We are all stronger than we know and sometimes we need a reminder of that.

            All I have is this dance. A person at school once told me, “Zeke in all due respect, you aren’t a science, you’re a dance”, meaning simply that it is just what I am best at. Psychology is my interest but dance is my passion, finding new ways to move and new concepts to film and perform are exciting to me. I am constantly told that dance is not a stable career path and I could care less. I am going to school for Psych and Dance, and whatever I do in life will involve those things, I could give less of a care about trying to get a safe office job with a stable income. We spend our whole lives playing by other peoples rules so for once it would be nice to get a say in what we do. It is okay to feel afraid of the future, it is okay to be undecided, and it is okay to choose a more risky path in life. All I have is this thing I like to do, a thing that has lead people to respect me, helped me gain confidence, and allow to feel like I fit in a community full of the most interesting individuals I have ever met. Dance is the thing I do for me and no one else, and I think it is important to have that thing in one’s life

            All we have is what we make, what we are born with, and what we choose to surround ourselves with. Life is never going to be perfect but we can at least make it worth it. So choose what you enjoy, and let the world work out the kinks.

A Starling’s take on love…or something

I have been on an upward slope for a little while now (emphasis on a little) and I thought I would take this time to write something.  For some reason or another I feel like nowadays I am encountering love everywhere I go now, whether it be with people around me getting in or breaking off relationships, or just the sad fact that no young adult wants to end up alone. So full disclaimer everything I am about to say is from what I have personally learned and is knowledge I try to apply to relationships or whatnot. These things may not work for you, and that’s okay, because the beauty of our lives is just that, they are our lives. Live, experience, and learn what works for you, because that is what really matters at the end of the day.

            Okay so first off I find the concept of a “soul-mate” irritating. Not because I do not believe in true love/am too cynical to accept such an absurd concept (although there may be some truth in that), but because it is just so limiting. If I were to go by the logic that there is ONE person out there for me then the chances of my finding that person on a planet of 7 billion plus people are slim to none. Remember the soul-mate myths only states that there will be a “right” one for you, not that you will ever find them. I mean sure you could maybe cut 7 billion in half if you are only attracted to one sex, but that still leaves billions of people to go through and not nearly enough time to go through it. So instead I offer you this piece of advice: explore and take chances with people. Do not look for a person to be your “one” or your “destiny”, simply look at them as the person whom you won over or who won you ever. In most cases there is a reason you fell for them so remember what that is and build off of it. Look for people you can stand being around for long periods of time. Wait what that sounds just like common sen- no listen, my generation especially is really bad at this concept. This does not mean anyone you can get along with (because that number will always outnumber the people you can actually function as a couple with), but rather the people that you can be with. Life is short and we will never get as much time as we want to do everything our heart desires but you should have a good idea of what you like. A good friend of mine said to look for “similar interests but different personalities”, because dating someone just like you would eventually get overwhelming or stale. So you may never find someone perfect for you (by the definition of perfect), but you may find someone that you would not mind spending a lot of your precious time with, and that seems like a fair trade off to me.

            Another thing is the concept of trust and being open. With social media being present in the past decade or so I think the idea of being open with people has changed a little. Being open implies more posting unnecessary selfies on Facebook or updating your twitter every 20 seconds with your daily schedule, but rather everything you do not put on these sites. For example I think by now we all know of my little depressive spells or what have you, in order for me to be with someone I need to be willing to talk to/ with them about how I feel during my lowest points. Not just because it is healthy for someone to talk about how the feel with a close confidant, but because if you cannot do this then you lose credibility in a partnership. Two people (or more I will not judge) need to be a team, and if you hide personal information about yourself and a situation pops up where you need to be trusted, then you may be screwed. Now in theory this is simple, of course I can talk about my life with my lover that is easy, but life never makes the road that clear. This also means that if you have been abused, or you are prone to some sort of illness, or even if you just have a secret you consider to be super embarrassing and personal, you need to come clean. Trust (if used properly) can only breed more trust and once you and whoever can actually trust each other a lot of things become easier. Granted no relationship is going to be easy, but I think it is each persons duty to make things as simple as possible for the other person. Again I can personally say that I am bad at this. I am really dramatic and have a tendency to try and solve problems with words and follow with actions (as opposed to action first). Also I have let outside events influence my relationships several times and they fall apart, but this is all part of the process. Eventually you get to develop a sense of who you are and can put aside your issues to be present with another person, or even better bring those issues to light with the person and they might just be the guiding hand you did not know you needed.

            I think that is all for now, I am sure there will be more dumb poorly written material like this in the future but for now I will leave you with this: life is short. It is a cliché we all know but seldom put into practice, if you have a person you want then go for it. When you both work toward a positive healthy relationship then more often than not a healthy relationship will form. Even if it someone you never thought you could fall for or some madness like that, don’t be afraid to take chances and live. We are people, we function best when we are not alone, and that is just pure truth.