All I Have

            All I have are these words that I type into a blank word document, trying to describe to you what it feels like to go through XYZ so that you can understand that I am genuinely trying to get my act together. These words that have kept me sane through months of doubt and self-loathing because I know when it boils down to it I want to get better. Self –pity is great but you can only use it as a crutch for so long before it breaks and you end up feeling worse about yourself. So I use these words, these odd symbols that we have taken to form a coherent language, to write down everything I feel so I can pinpoint my sadness. Only then can I look back and see how ridiculous I was for letting little things drag me down.

            All I have are my friends, scattered across the world, who serve as my support system and my extended family. I have never had siblings so I grew accustomed to treating my friends as the family you do not usually get to choose. I have cursed at them, used them as a shoulder to lean on, and had their backs as much as they have had mine, but I feel like it is never enough. In this life where terrible people can lurk around every corner it is imperative that you surround yourself with positive people who care about you, because you never know when you will need the extra hand to help you up. In the worse parts of my moods I have constantly complained to some of my closest friends about how sad I am or how life isn’t worth living or some other nonsense. To which the response is them telling me how much they hate for me (the pillar of energy and optimism apparently) to speak like I have given up. And for I time I had, but once someone close enough to my told me that through all my funk they felt like I was no longer trustworthy…well things changed. Choose people who will be honest with you, people who will be sensitive when necessary but are not afraid to really stick it to you if need be. We are all stronger than we know and sometimes we need a reminder of that.

            All I have is this dance. A person at school once told me, “Zeke in all due respect, you aren’t a science, you’re a dance”, meaning simply that it is just what I am best at. Psychology is my interest but dance is my passion, finding new ways to move and new concepts to film and perform are exciting to me. I am constantly told that dance is not a stable career path and I could care less. I am going to school for Psych and Dance, and whatever I do in life will involve those things, I could give less of a care about trying to get a safe office job with a stable income. We spend our whole lives playing by other peoples rules so for once it would be nice to get a say in what we do. It is okay to feel afraid of the future, it is okay to be undecided, and it is okay to choose a more risky path in life. All I have is this thing I like to do, a thing that has lead people to respect me, helped me gain confidence, and allow to feel like I fit in a community full of the most interesting individuals I have ever met. Dance is the thing I do for me and no one else, and I think it is important to have that thing in one’s life

            All we have is what we make, what we are born with, and what we choose to surround ourselves with. Life is never going to be perfect but we can at least make it worth it. So choose what you enjoy, and let the world work out the kinks.