Letting out the hot air…

Being someone who constantly crumbles under the weight of his own baggage, I used writing as a way to get some of the stress off my shoulders. By sharing everything I feel with everyone ranging from complete strangers to close friends I can convince myself that I am not alone in my quest for sanity and life gets a little easier because of it. So if you are a returning reader of the Star World then I thank you for reading my attempts at wittiness and truth. If this is your first time reading, then welcome to the Star World, a place where I get to carve out my own little niche of clarity.

Ever since my mental state started interfering with my life I have gotten into the extreme habit of saying “I’m sorry” a lot, and I hate it. Not because I hate the phrase itself, but because I hated saying I’m sorry to someone knowing that I will probably just often them again. I have cursed people, insulted them, ignored their help, and worried them with constant musings of my depression or suicidal tendencies. I want to stop that. Now that I am on a hot streak of being able to get out of bed and be happy about it (what an achievement right?) I can finally see how much of a strain I put on a lot of my relationships. I put a lot of pressure on friends and girlfriends and then got angry or irrationally sad when they couldn’t support my enormous weight, and that is just downright unfair. So I am sorry to anyone I have scorned in the past year or so, hell I am sorry to anyone I have ever hurt. I know just how selfish and hard to deal with I have been but I have been doing much better. I won’t go into detail about ever way I hurt every person, but know that if something went down with us and it was my fault, I know about it. And if you think I don’t feel free to tell me and I’ll admit to any wrongs I have committed. I believe to be a good person you have to accept that there is bad in you, that you will make mistakes, hurt people, and have to burn bridges for something that could have been avoided. The upside to that, however, is that by accepting your faults you get wiser, wise enough to save your relationships and not let your past define everything about you. So while this is a blanket apology, it does not mean I am going to stop learning and improving myself in every way possible. People love to quote a tiny green alien who says “there is no try, there is only do or do not”, and I have long been done trying to get better. Now is the time to do.

That latter half of this is me letting go of a lot of dumb stuff that I have held onto for no good reason. I used to wish I was more popular with women, not that I have any desire to be a womanizer (that takes way too much effort and charisma for my tastes) but I just felt like it would be nice to be desired by people. As shocking as it may seem I used to be shy and hate talking to anyone or anything. I hide myself from the world because I knew that at least then I would be safe. I wanted to be liked but I refused to make myself likable in anyway (if that makes sense) and until recently I have still put so much time and effort into making sure people like me and that is just…stupid. We all want to be loved but that comes at a price. You should NEVER compromise any part of your person just to be loved by others. If you are an oddball you will find other oddballs to roll with (as I did), if you are a serious dude then you will find other serious dudes, and if you feel you don’t deserve to be here then I guarantee you are not alone and will find others like you. All it takes is one little thing: being content with who you are. If you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “eh I’m a 6 out of 10” I think that is one of the healthiest things you can do. We are so used to either building ourselves up or tearing ourselves down that we rarely take the time to just sit and be proud that we survived another day. I wished I had more people because I didn't appreciate the people I had near me, and this carried on for a while. I would hurt friends and find new ones until one day there was a group of people I just could not leave. It took me being and idiot to see that who I am is pretty okay…like seriously I am a pretty cool dude most days. It is not easy to be content with yourself and it is something that no one can teach you, but if I can learn it so can you, and you will be much happier because of it.

I am trying to own up to everything I am so I can improve upon myself and accomplish my goals. I want to be a writer, I want to start a dance company, I want to be a therapist, and most of all I want to help people realize that there is more to life than feel like you should not exist. I’m sorry to the people who were with me through the lowest times and know that I love you for not giving up on me. I feel like my posts are getting predictable and I do not want that. So here is to positive futures and learning from the past. You are going to do things you regret and a lot of times you will hate yourself for it, but we are strong enough to look at a broken mirror and still see ourselves in the reflection.

And in the Star World we are all on that path to becoming our true selves.