A Reflection on Horror

      So I spent my Valentines day watching The Conjuring with one of my good friends, and all the while they were acting the way people usually act when they watch something scary (holding breath, hiding behind hands, reacting to jump scares, etc), I was calm. Afterward I told my friend that the movie did not scare me, for which I was bombarded with a barrage of “whats” and “hows”. I told them that the concept of the movie was scary, but in general the execution of horror movies just don't scare me anymore. When they went home for the night I couldn't help but wonder why that is, and this is what I came up with.

     I used to hate horror movies. When I was Zeke Jr. I was unable to even walk through the horror section of a video store without freaking out. See when I was little I remember see a child's play trailer (Chucky the killer doll for those who didn't know) and from then on I hated dolls and horror. Being in the dark terrified me, dolls terrified me, and horror movies would just induce anxiety. My mom used to always watch scary movies with friends over and I just hide in my room until the movie ended, sometimes having to brave my house to go the kitchen and get good while ignoring the sounds of terror coming from the TV.

     Over the years I have started to notice a change. It was when I went on retreat with interact my senior year that I really noticed it. We were showing scary movies late at night (as is custom), and the movie was of course: Child's Play. The whole room was gasping and hiding their faces, scared of this foot tall ginger doll, but I was just laughing. This caused me to start reading more horror novels, play horror games, and brave my age old fear of watching horror movies. As people around my looked at horror as something that made them physically scared, I used it as an escape. Now I'm not saying that I am a horror movie aficionado or anything, but I just love the genre now.

     My own personal theory is that as life has put my through the ringer it let me take more solace in these dark worlds. The serial killers, demons, and monsters on the screen on in a book are pixie's compared to the real life obstacles like uncertainty, aging, and the future. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been in a downward spiral recently, I've had to go to the hospital for my depression and that is something I am working through now. All this being said I have come to respect horror for what it is, how people like me write about their lives. People who write and make horror, for the most part, are timid individuals whose minds are abnormal and twisted in ways that society might deem crazy. So they write, like rappers write to escape their lives, and theorists write to make a change.

     Coming to understand my fixation on the horror genre has actually helped me learn a lot about myself, I am even dabbling in writing stories with a horror tone for my radio show. Along with my love of comics, video games, dance, etc. it has just shaped a big part of my personality and helped me relate to those like me. So the reason you wont hear me scream in a horror movie theater isn't because I am some macho dude who is unafraid of anything, quite the opposite. To me the world of scary stories is simply a picnic compare to the real world that haunts us everyday.

     So what are you really scared of?

An Introspective way to start the new year

New Year's is supposed to be a time where we reinvent ourselves, where we take all of our mistakes and internalize them so we don't get a chance to make them again. However as of late it seems like I have been so guarded against making mistakes that I have shut out the outside world as a result. It has been a long time since I have posted anything and for the 5 people that read this I apologize. Things have been hard for, in such a way that I have had to come to terms with aspects of my personality that I never really wanted to own up to. So now I am caught in a place where I feel I am on the brink of something amazing or terrible hidden behind a respective door 1 and 2, and I cannot tell which door has the answers I seek.

Last year being my first full year of college I finally accepted that I am an introvert, and it saddened me greatly. Not that there is anything wrong with introverts but I always considered myself the opposite. Due to things like my dancing I was really able to come out of my shell and interact more with people without worrying about the impression that I making, but it was all for naught because now I just feel like I never want to leave my room. I still do all the things I want to do, but the moment it ends I just want to retreat back to my own space, because at the end of the day the world scares me and we are all caught up in our own bubbles anyway. I'm not clinically depressed or anything (or I might be, who cares) I just had to own up to myself. So this year will be harder, somehow I am going to need to learn to be a good person again, to be a good friend again. I feel like I have been lacking in these departments as of late because for the most part, I cannot really stand a lot of people. I love my school and it is full of good people, but many of those same people never learned how to: shut their mouths, be considerate to how others feel, or understand that more exists outside their personal sphere of influence. So as I spend more time outside I find less and less reason to stay there (outside as in with others, not just outside in general). I get so sick of people that I start to doubt myself, maybe there is just something deeply wrong with me, some state where I just cannot emotionally handle being around people for too long. Either way I am done dealing with dumb situations, stupid drama, and he say she say crap. I'm too old to be dealing with high school situations, I'm just trying to ace my classes and move on.

Another thing is that this year there are a lot of artistic projects that I want to do. I want to write a comic, songs, a better radio show, and make dances. I decided to stop worrying about how things will tie into my future in long run and just start living. Holding yourself back for any reason I think is cowardly, being afraid to take a chance at living, and it bugs me. Everyone has their reasons for doing whatever they do, but if you quit playing music because someone told you it will never make you money I think that is dumb. The world is full of possibilities to do whatever at any point and giving up a passion because it may not get you down the path you heard is best is idiotic. Obviously I am just being the bad guy here and I know that life does always allow for everything we want, I have just seen a surprising amount of my generation struggle with something that also personally applies to me. When the dust settles we should all just strive to be happy with the person we are, and if you give up a part of yourself how happy can you be?

There is no rhyme or reason for this post. I have just come to realize how truly lonely I am, not that I do not have amazing friends, but the amount of people I can actually talk to and stand seems to dwindle more and more each semester. I am almost halfway through college, and I want to have something to show for it. I want to help people, to inspire others, to be a voice that people can respect (not trust per say but respect), and to create a way for people like me to feel like they are no alone. This is me whining about stuff I know a lot of people go through, but they would never say it so I will. It is a new year so it is time to do new things. Live life and appreciate what you have but always strive for greater. Don't put up with mess you don't have to because whether you are a social butterfly or shut in you deserve to be to walk your own way.

I still don't know why I do this, put my mind on display for all to laugh at and criticize. I am sure I will come off to few as troubled and a few more as an arrogant prick, but that's not the point, and if that’s all you get from this well...sorry. I guess I just...don't care anymore. About how I come off, how you view me, or how broken you think I am. I have always been aware that I'm probably a terrible person at heart, truth be told a lot of us are. The difference is that I am trying to do that right thing. To be more honest with people, whether I like them or not, and to be more honest with myself. 2014 will be more personal make it or break year, after this I will hopefully have a plan for what comes next. Until then I just hope I can survive. Welcome back the Star World, you didn't ask for this, but here it is. Happy New Year.

Just Listen

            I spend a lot of time listening to other people’s problems, in fact it is one of the reasons I study psychology. I want to help people, like Spiderman and Batman minus the masks and tights. So I sit with an empty mind and open heart listening to the lives of those who trust me with their business. I am not therapist yet but I can assure you that with me your thoughts are as sacred as my own. You who has also had to throw down with life in the ring does not to explain your tears to me for I have been there.

Just listen

Can you hear it? The sound of a one way conversation? The sound of a soul pouring itself out like golden lemonade out of a crystal pitcher, do you get the picture? When have you ever heard something so honest? Not since you were a child crying in your parents arms over how you don’t fit in at school. Not since you questioned your own sanity, looked in the mirror and said “I am done arguing with my reflection.” Not since you realized that you will never be “that guy” or “that girl” so you took out the crayons of your inner mind and started to draw a picture of who you really are.

Just listen

Is it clicking? Does it connect like Legos, stacking higher and higher until you finally have a ledge to stand out on and see the world? Do the puzzle pieces fit, muddled parts of a whole slowing being drawn together like magnets showing you an image of the truth? How does it feel knowing that when door opens and life floods out that the negative feelings do not have to be absorbed into your bones, that you can just let the dam break and wave goodbye to dark portions of the past?

Just listen

What are you listening for? We are all flawed and that’s the truth, but do you have the gall to listen to your best friend tell you about a wrong turn they made on the road of life without backstreet driving? The world is not new nor is anything that lives on it. Everything you judge has been judged before, everything you hate has been hated before, and everything you fear has been feared before. As you stand there and judge me I stand as I always have. Hands in my pockets and eye’s looking forward, for unlike you I have no reason to hate my own shadow. I can wait. I can wait until you are done picking me apart piece by piece because funny thing about sponges, they always put themselves back together. Are you done? Good.

So just listen, because now it’s time for me to speak the truth.

Sophomore State of Mind

Well I am back to the land of Southern Canada and it feels very odd. On the one hand all my people are back in one place and it feels good to be near some of my closest friends again. On the other hand I feel like I left some important pieces of myself back in Cali and the loss of those pieces is driving me up the wall.

            I consider myself to be a fairly independent person, I survived a year with minimal contact my parents and most of the people I had grown to depend on in high school. While others broke free and went wild with their new college freedom I walked around campus in the dead of night, basking in the glory of just being able to say that I made it this far. Somehow though this year feels different. Now that summer is over it is time to get back to work and shake off the desire to lie around all day and do nothing, and I know this but I am having a hard time adjusting. There are so many things that I want to do, write, endorse, and be a part of but this past week I have just not felt worthy.

            I love my school and I stand by that, and I feel like this is the year that will make or break me. Now is the time to rely and hard work and habit and hope that at the end of the day that is enough to get me to where I need to go. I am a man of faith, whether or not you believe in my faith matters little to me, because it makes up a big part of who I am. We all are who we all are and that is a lesson that mankind has yet to learn. I have dealt with the terrible, stupid, and negative but they are no worse than me nor I better than them. The only difference between people is how much they are willing to change and adapt to survive. I have not had to adapt for a while and now maybe I need to evolve.

            The second year and I can already feel things starting to come into place. I am not a typical student, nor are any of my classmates. I do not party, drink, smoke, etc. and these same sorts of things I used to think isolate me from my peers actually bring me closer to them. This year I am going to be honest with myself. I will feel pain where it needs to be felt, close doors that need to be shut, and love where love needs to be given. Yes I admit I have a very corny way of thinking but we all walk our paths so if you do not like it get out of my way.

            My blogs are scattered because my mind is scattered, but this year I want things to become uncluttered, to finally get my head out of the clouds and into the stars. Time for a new state of mind.   

Office Life and Family Ties.

                                

So my summer is pretty much ending this week and as I tried to look back and reflect on the past couple of months I realized that in a short span of time I have changed quite a bit in terms of my ambitions and mental states. I am by no means a different person; I just had a lot of time to think about life and all the madness that goes along with it.

This summer I worked 9-5 5 days a week at a law firm in Oakland, and for the most part it was incredibly humbling. I had a huge amount of respect for people who work hard in anything, but working in an office all week was something else entirely. I have no idea how my mom has been doing it since I was born. I constantly felt cramped in and smothered, and while time did not pass by slowly or anything tortuous like that I still knew that this is not where I wanted my life to go. I am not better than people who work desk job and if fact they might be doing the smarter thing by choosing a path that almost guarantees a stable financial income, but I refuse to put myself into that environment knowing I will not be happy. All this is not to say that I did not learn anything or gain new friends and respect for law practices, it is just that everyone is meant for something and not other things, and I am not cut out for that kind of office environment. I always felt like I was making a mistake or like I was being judging, and that is just not a good vibe.I love to dance, set my own hours of activity, spend hours reading and learning about nerdy things that are only important to me, and help people with their personal issues. All of this together equals a confused young adult with an uncertain future, but I will gladly choose my confusing niche of happiness over eternal melancholy.

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to go visit my grandpa’s house for my cousin’s college graduation party. I am not usually excited to go visit family because: We live super far from them, I am always approached by aunts and uncles that have known me since I was born yet I have no recollection of who they are, and they all see each other more than I see them so I feel a tad bit left out when I visit. This was not the case when I went yesterday however…it was completely different. Lately I have come to respect my family as a whole a lot more and I was excited to be able to see my grandpa (who is one of those old men who worked for everything he has today). At the party I was overwhelmed by people as usual and slightly regretting my decision to come, but in the course of about an hour I reconnected with cousins closer to my age that I have no spoken too in a long time and danced with my crazy family. It then dawned on my that my younger cousin is going to be a senior…and I remember when we used to play with power ranger toys as kids. Life is going by so fast and me having stupid thoughts about not fitting in with my family is only making things worse. Distance or no distance yesterday was one of the best days of my summer, because my family is still as tight knit as ever. I  have moved quite a bit in my lifetime, from houses to schools and so on. Throughout all of this my grandpas house has never changed. Same rooms I used to spend the night in, same neighborhood, same smell, etc. In all my troubles and insecurities about my relationship with my family I have always had the Ol’ family manor to go to. So as my mom and I will have to leave Pinole soon, I hope that my grandpas house remains the constant, because whether we like it or not we all need some sort of family ties.

A Grandmas love and Car crashes

     So on Sunday my mother and I took a trip out to see my grandma to help her set up her new phone, unbeknownst to me this short trip would be one of the most significant things to happen to me all summer.

      When we got to my grandma's my mom stepped outside to handle the phone business leaving me and my grandma to talk. I will always find it funny how even the most hardcore people will become straight children in front of their grandparents.  Sure we can yell at or ignore our parents but when grandma is around everyone’s an angel. Now over the last few years I have talked to my grandma less and less in order to preserve some stupid principle of "independence", but that day I just lent myself talk. I told my grandma of my unorthodox dreams: how I want to be a dance therapist, how I want to create something, etc. To be honest I have no idea why I came clean, but I figure it was time for me to embrace my crazy dreams aloud as opposed to building them up in my mind. I waiting and watched her face as a I spoke and when I was done...I had no idea what to expect. Now to clarify, I get my lack of verbal filter from my grandma, so if she thought that what I was doing was stupid or not worth the time she would tell me. The reaction the followed however was extremely positive.  It is also worthwhile to mention that my grandma is also a huge nerd like me. She likes anime, comics, firefly, and buffy, so I guess her joy in my life choice was not that surprising. Kids and their grandparents often times share the same notions of wonder and fantasy, because in the beginning of your life it is all you know, and in the later part of your life it is all you have left. So she told me “I’m glad you decided to walk this path, if anyone can do this it is you.” Now I get that she is family and supposed to be encouraging, but hearing it aloud makes all the difference. I have no desire to work a desk job for the rest of my life, I am far too reckless and believe me you do not want me behind a desk with any sort of power. So I am going to pursue something crazy, because if you are good enough at something, then somehow and some way you can make a living off it…hopefully.

            After getting pumped up about my loving grandma approving of my aspirations I preceded to read comics while my mom drove home (I drove up, so my mom drives back, fairness and all that jazz). Out of nowhere a car spins out on the freeway and collides hard with the car diresctly in front of us. I looked up in time just to see the car spin out and time actually seemed to slow down. It was my first time being so close to a crash that could have easily been a lot worse. The car that spun out was hit on the driver’s side, so it is safe to assume that they were hurt a little. I have not been that scared in a long time; usually nothing gets to me but after that when we got home I was still shaking. I drove right after that to see someone and help myself feel better but it was just crazy. One wrong move and we are all goners, that’s what I gathered from this encounter, so I cannot waste time being passive or scared. I do not want to die before I do something cool and if that sounds morbid or odd that’s because it is. I would not call this a near-death experience, but I was close enough to see what could have been…and I did not like it.

            Moral of the story: There is none, I was scared by a car crash and now I am more determined to do everything that I have been trying to do. From darkness comes motivation.

A Man’s Worth

I am a child at heart. I love cartoons, comics, and video games. All these seemingly childish mediums came together to form a big chunk of my personality. This has become a tad bit of a problem from me as I have grown older because popular to contrary relief, childish things taught me valuable life lessons. Being in college I expected to be surrounded by people who were all smarter than I was; people whose paths in life were set in stone whilst mine was shaky and dream-fueled. Luckily for me that was almost never true. I was surrounded by good people who just were looking to find what makes them tick, just like I was.Seeing fellow students who could not fend for themselves was as huge eye-opener though. I have always been told how spoiled I am by my parents and to an extent that is true, but my childish morals of right and wrong evolved and helped me figure out a few things.

First of all I believe that a man’s worth is not determined solely by one thing. I heard things like “it is determined by the company he keeps…his actions…his car” or whatever, but the most important thing about “being a man” I have found is just be true to your word. By your word I do not just mean what you say, I mean what your beliefs are. Yes things happen and in the heat of the moment emotions can affect us all, but it does not make much sense to say that you hate people who hit women and then go around playing whack-a-mole with female’s faces does it? All the anime and cheesy cartoons have led me to this conclusion, the hero always does what he says he will don and never abandons his morals. True that does not translate well to the real world but it is a step toward not being a terrible person.

Second you should always try and be honest with those close to you. These are the people who support and have your back; therefore it is imperative that you treat like you love them, simple right? I have seen people abuse friendships and it makes me sick. I am an only child so I know what it is like to not have anyone right, so I have come to rely on my friends to the point where I consider them family. In the grand scheme of things none of our connections matter because we all die alone, but it’s these connections that allow us to bring happier memories to the grave. After all I would rather die young, fat, and happy than live long and die old, healthy, and lonely.

Finally I hate mooching off of people. I never take anything I cannot give or pay back just because it is so wrong to me. We should all have to work for our place in the world, so if you are just riding the coattails of others then what kind of person that make you? Yes sure life is unfair and some people have to work harder than others but that should be motivation to triumph. I know that if I put enough hours in I can be a better dancer than people who were born with “natural talent”, I know that if I grind enough I can make more money than people who were born into wealth. It is all about finding out how much you want out of the world, because that’s how much work you have to put it.

I am so bloody childish. I actually think that by staying true to your morals and working hard you can be whatever you want to be, but hell it has gotten me into the college of my dreams and the life of my choosing so why not just stay a man-child a little bit longer?